reality

Journey to our home, Sore spots

I know I’ve never told you why I’m so neglect in applying for a job. It’s because my mind is set in taking care of mom and dad while they’re here. I can already feel the stress, and knowing what mom will probably nag me about in getting a job.

Yet, I want to spend time with them while I can. I can’t help but having watery eyes every time the thought of they’re getting older and will leave me one day. I think it’s even less than half of my life time I’m by their side, It seems I’m always in Canada.

And the more I think of taking care of them, the more I feel stress because nothing can happen without money.

The thought of going to work is kinda screw up my mind. I’m so afraid of meeting nasty people, nasty leaders, nasty boss….. I can say that I’m pretty anti social now, I must admit I’m not fond of the idea of meeting people.

Again, reality is reality. I hate to talk about money… but reality is I need to work to get more money.

I have a lot of “what if” in my mind…. anyways….

Hubby Thank You!

Journey to our home, Spirituality

As I was looking at your face, I felt that there should be more that I could be doing to ease your burden.

It hurts me to see that you carry all the burdens, which mainly about money, and yet you would never complaint.

I’m thankful, hubby!

You’ve shown me unconditional love and acceptance.

You’ve loved me, more than I’ve ever imagined.

Few months before we started to date, God woke me up one morning. It was 4am and I was fully awake. Holy Spirit promoted me to pray for my future husband. He showed me that I had significant insecurity about marriage. Today, I can say that I was clearly reminded by God at that moment. He said whomever that I would be with in the future, always trust that he loves me and don’t ever doubt it.

God has shown me faithful and his words are true.

You’ve always loved me, even when I have doubt.

You’ve always shown me love, even when I act selfishly.

You’re a God sent husband, truly a gift from God more than I ever deserved.

Thank you, Hubby, for being with me, loving me, showing me what love is.

I pray that everyday I’ll be a better wife than yesterday to you, and to you only.

I love you~

 

More than a week

Life stuffs, Spirituality

It’s been more than a week and I would say it’s about few weeks ago that I smell that faint foul smell in the laundry room.

I was jokingly telling Bao that our house smells like death. However, that’s not what I’ve sensed in my spirit.

See, I don’t consider that as bad lucky (even though it’s only the beginning of the year).  My perspective shifts to seeing God reminds us to cleanse all the bad, the sins, and all that He detests in our lives. He reminds us to go to Him daily so that He will cleanse us from our sins. No, it’s not a ritual, but a constant relationship with God that we shall talk to him every moments in our lives.

He reminds me not to give up on this relationship and not to putting him in the back room.

As I posted the last journal, I was reminded that we need to allow the Holy Spirit in our lives.  We need to have our spirit renew again and again.  We ought not to stuck in our daily routine, but forgot that He is God, the centre of our lives. He has provision more than we can ever ask for. He heals and restores us even when I feel miserable. That is why I think those two chinese songs became our theme songs. It’s not about us. It’s all about  Him, how is worthy to be praised

年初

Spirituality

我覺得這兩首，超乎所求 &耶和華的禧年， 是神給我們今年的歌：

 

 

超乎所求

耶和華以勒     我供應者  你超乎我一切所求
耶和華拉法     我醫治者，因你鞭傷我得釋放
耶和華沙瑪     與我同在
你供應我所需     你是超乎所求
超乎所想     超乎我一切所需

 

 

耶和華的禧年

耶和華的靈在我心裡
使我剛強有能力
叫那貧窮得富足
叫那瞎眼得醫治
叫那捆綁 勞苦重擔得釋放

現在就是耶和華的禧年
現在就是耶和華的禧年
我要歌頌讚美主
歡慶敬拜祂
高聲宣楊耶和華的禧年

01/01/2018

Sore spots

There’s nothing special with stepping into year 2018.

I’m still alone sitting in front of the computer in this new year morning.

All by myself even when this is the last day of your holiday, new year morning of 2018.

I’m not sure if I’m allowed to feel upset at the fact that you didn’t notice when you decided to meet someone on the new year morning

I’m not sure if I’m allowed to be upset because that’s not a good wife should be doing

I’m not sure why I’m this upset, still crying when you are already driving away

I’m not sure if I could put away my ideal new year morning, thinking of spending time with you and having breakfast with you, your last day of holiday, and our new year morning…….

 

怒火

Sore spots

最近總是有一股莫名的怒火冒起，也許是對自己的失望，做不了自己想做的事，身體不聽使喚 不合作的疲憊，退學以後 總會想應該要去找工作，但是不知道自己想要的是什麼，申請想要的工作 卻又被拒絕了，心中的怒火冉冉上升，還是會想到以前在某個地方工作時遇到職場虐待，還是不明白為甚麼有人可以這樣對待別人。 昨天得知陳師母回天家的消息，本該感到難過的我 卻覺得憤怒。因為想到她也是一樣在那個地方遇到不公平的待遇。她也是一樣被傷害，被誹謗。我想為甚麼好人都不長命，衰人卻還在這裡招搖撞騙。我心裡覺得安慰 因為她已經卸下地上的勞苦，不再有皮囊的折磨。 若不是前一陣子夢見陳牧師 平安對待師母回天家的樣子，我可又開始擔心了。看見陳牧師，師母的堅強與謙卑，心中真的充滿羨慕，真的打從心底敬仰他們。這才是我心中該有牧者的榜樣。

Decision

Dream|Journey, Psych stuffs

Did I wonder if I made the right decision withdrawing the program? Yes, I wondered. However, as I made my decision and talked to Ms.I.J. I felt relief.

She told me that she considered I’m among the top students in the class, with great writing skills, mature, and with life experience. She think I’ll have a bright future in this field if I continue.

Now that I have this affirmation, I’m glad and contented.  It just push me more to go for the Master degree.

Defeated

Sore spots, Spirituality

Yesterday I felt defeated again. I felt that I wasn’t smart enough, good enough, to say what I want to say. I hate, HATE, group project. I dislike meeting in a group because I know I don’t have anything to say. And people either try to help me, or encourage me to talk…. I have nothing to say. HATE! HATE! HATE!!! group work. I felt like I would never prepare enough to say anything meaningful, helpful, resourceful to the group.

I felt defeated, to have this feeling I’ll never good enough for anybody, or anyone.

I felt defeated, to feel I’m not smart or knowledgable.

I felt defeated, when I feel my body continues to fail me, when I wanted to study but I’m too tired to concentrate.

I felt defeated, even when I tried to listen during group meeting, all my mind was thinking I felt sick and get me out of there.

I felt defeated, and I know He is listening but I’m not listening to him.

Classmate

Dream|Journey, Psych stuffs, Spirituality

One of my classmates was away for two days already. She is here alone with her two daughters in Canada, and apparently her daughters aren’t used to being here. My first hunch is that they are home sick and missing their friends. That left my classmate having a hard time with them, because they’re acting out. They aren’t going to bed and aren’t studying. She’s having a hard time with them, and she’s telling me that she’s going to fail this current course.

Though both of us are quiet and didn’t talk much, somehow we are connected. Maybe because she’s in my self-exploration group. Maybe because she’s away from home just arriving here in Canada three months ago. I can relate to her and sense her struggles, be it language barrier or away from home.

I sent her an email last night and greet her with blessings. I asked God in my heart if she’s going to make it through the program, and my heart somehow aches for her. But God told me to not to worry, just pray for her. I continue to pray that God has such a way to comfort her daughters, when God’s willing help her to finish this program until next August.

Resistance

Uncategorized

This morning my instructor spent a good portion of class to talk about spirituality. She started the class with prophetize on one of the classmate. She moved on to the other classmate talking about how she’s very in tune with the spirit and she has sensitivity to the spirit.

Earlier this morning, I was reading the bible and tried to pick up the reading routine since I’ll be in school early these days. So I was trying to be connect with God again….

Then, the class started with talking about spirituality. I had such great resistance to listen to it. I thought I didn’t sign up for a spirituality class, I signed up for a counselling program. I had an urge to drop this program and thought I would just go to ACTS.

I guess… I think… the Holy Spirit reminded me and ask me why I resist to listen to this talk. A talk about God, about his people, about how a Christian gift will be manifested in a counselling session.

I guess it came down to the self-awareness of the deepest desire of my heart to be in tune with the Spirit. However, the past hurts hinder me from going there. It was hurtful to think about that and still… I’m dealing with this hurt? I thought I’m done with it…. I thought I don’t have to think of it anymore.

Yet, the talk in the early classroom makes me realize my heart longs for God and yet I push Him out of the picture because of the hurt I’m still experiencing.

The resistance. The pain.

is still exist