信任

信任 這詞語在我的人生中是沒有意義的

從小,中學時期 我所信任的老師,朋友,同學,一個又一個地傷害我

我真相知道我做錯了什麼?我很好欺負嗎?

為甚麼我沒有機會解釋,你可以一巴掌打在我臉上呢?

為甚麼你得不到那位男生的愛,會是因為我呢?

為甚麼你要偷我家裡鑰匙,去我家裡偷東西呢?

為甚麼我有車,你就可以這樣利用我的愛心 想去哪裡就去哪裡呢?

為甚麼你可以隨時發洩情緒,我就要站著給你罵到爽?

認識上帝以後,我明白人有罪性

但是明白不代表我的心還有空間去接受這樣的事

我把自己漸漸封閉,我不要受傷害

我生活圈子自由老公跟我,其他人已經被我推到圈子外

意思我對他們沒有期待

要找我 不要找我

隨便

紅筆

昨晚做了一個夢。夢見拿回來的考卷上的第一題,老師用紅筆圈起我的答案 並寫 “worst” 。接下來的那幾頁也不用說了,就是通通是紅色的圈。還有寫一段,“這位學生如果不好好加強英語能力的話 就別想要大學畢業了!” 我醒來的時候,心想我的英語真的那麼糟糕嗎?怎麼覺得自己就是不夠好,不夠聰明….等等的…. 想法~

你的手

那晚你為我按首禱告來祝福我

我的眼淚不聽話的自己流下

你問我為甚麼哭呢

我說不出來 你已經睡覺了

其實當你按首的時候

我真的感覺到聖靈在我裏面

一種又陌生又熟悉的感覺

我認識祂卻又覺得陌生

因為已經好一陣子不想禱告

我心裡面 有好多怨恨,埋怨

其實你知道嗎?

祝福的能力

最近有些認識的朋友們到別的地方讀書去了。不知道什麼時候開始學會“給出去”, 把自己剩下不多的去祝福別人。每寫一張卡片,不但用文字並加少少的金錢去祝福。雖然期待這些朋友們收到卡片後的反應,但是心裏知道不是要用錢去討好,而是把上帝給我們的,不自私的傳遞出去。心裏想只要家裡冰箱還有食物夠我跟叮叮吃,我們還是有能力給的! 現在的我不是學會自私,而是學會懂得看清事實,懂得照顧自己。如果自己都照顧不好,也不要說去照顧別人了。應該是 Survival Skill 101: Take care of yourself first before looking after other people.

 

孩子

我想了很久還是沒有一個答案

我真的不想有孩子,但是我一個人決定真的對你不公平

可是我看見我們父母在我們生命中的傷害

我無法保證自己可以做的很好

我不想要傷害別人,不懂得用愛心去帶小孩

我自私不想生,但我更自私不想有人被傷害 有一個殘酷的成長過程

你明白嗎?

家人

這是一種有愛又恨的關係

我不明白為什麼他們總是覺得嘲笑侮辱我的肥胖不是問題

也許我必須要認清一個事實

他們無法明白他們所做的,對我情緒上有多麼的傷害

這是我要自己處理的一點,是他們無法在情緒上有任何的支持

因為他們覺得,肥胖不ok 所以要用嘲笑的方式讓你知道事實的真相。

可笑的事,我知道事實的真相。我不需要你們的侮辱。

侮辱別人的笑話只是他們不負責任的行為。

完全沒有同理心,多殘酷。

 

關係

人與人之間的關係 建立在彼此信任,了解,接納,和包容。

若是讓自己的情緒妥協在其中一項,關係會隨而破解。

我們人類的惰性 讓自己無法看見別人的軟弱。

所以,互相埋怨,指控,疏遠。

到最後其實要衡量關係中的對方在自己心中的份量多少。

一些無法改變的習慣,我們去包容對方。

一些無法妥協的原則,我們要堅定自己的信念。

一些無法接納的缺點,我們要避重就輕與對方達成一個共識。

這是一輩子的學習,沒有一個人會完全跟自己的處事方式一樣。

人生本來就是這樣的~

Encouraged

I felt that God didn’t need me to do much, but only taking one person at a time to love and encourage that person. During my years in university, I spent lots of time giving rides to the international students. I believed that God gave me the car I might as well give it a good use and serve people.

Just Recently, Vivian sent me a message telling me how she still remembers I gave her rides and stuff. She mentions that it gave warmth in her heart to think of me. Since she’s living in a new country just like her first year in university, she has to get used to the environment again. But the thought of me made her remembers that once there was someone cared for her even when she’s in a new place.

Another person whom I still kept in touch and became good friend over the years. We will talk in the phone once in two weeks, it depends if we are busy or what not. Her recent relationship gave her a new perspective in personal growth. But I would say she values my opinion, thought I’m not surprise still very glad. I pray that this relationship will work out and I pray that this guy is whom God designs them to be together. There’s still a lot to work  on in their relationship, but … which one doesn’t? Last night we talked for a bit and I encouraged her to read the book of Proverbs, since she said she needed more wisdom. I told her it is good to read Proverbs to receive the teaching and ask for wisdom. I also suggest that it might be good for her and Mr.Ng to read it together. We’ll see how that goes~ God grants us what we need!

MH 370- Why did god let the plane crash?

People were asking why didn’t God stop this tragedy. Why did he let this happen? We are back to the topic of why God allows pain and suffering again. My initial thoughts came with few questions. Have you ever lied? Have you ever stolen a cookie or two? Have you ever cheated in your exams? Have you ever fought some other kids to get the toy you want? Have you ever lied to get the position that you wanted in your job. Have you ever bad mouth somebody and spread out gossip? So my question is what if God stop you from having the freedom to choose what you wanted to do? Then you’ll say that this God is a cruel, controlling God.

You see we have a false concept of God. When we are in trouble we shout out to God, “Help God! Please help me!” Whatever issue that you might be facing or desperately in needs, you thought of asking God for help. Then you blame God if nothing works, tragedy happens, or your loved ones died from accident. God is not a genie in the bottle where you rub then he appears whenever you want. God is not controlled by you and at the same time He doesn’t control your free will.

Back to the question, why did God let the plane crash? God is not in the business of interrupt the nature. He created the nature that way, and it will stay that way. The nature of human beings crafty, deceitful, loving or compassion…etc. That nature of nature, human fault in making the plane, mistakes in maintain the plane and such. Back to human nature, human are deceitful and evil if men wanted to highjacked the plane for whatever reasons. Should God interrupt in every single detail in this process of nature? Then again, if He does there won’t be evil in the world. Because He dislike evil and will save everything; however, he cannot contradict himself. He cannot interrupt nature because human beings are not happy with what happened in the world today.

That nature of our lives on this earth? There will be suffering and pain. We will die no matter what. Of course you can stay healthy and strong and prolong your life, but you will surely die one day. Everyone of us has no exception. It’s a matter of die early or wait until we die at our old age. Instead of blaming God for what happen in this world today, why don’t we think of our purpose in this world? How about asking ourselves where are we going when we die? Ultimately, our lives are going to an end, and this is not within our control.  Why not spend sometime to understand who this God is? There’s a deep desire to find truth and people are asking question. That question always came back to if God exist why didn’t/did He (do such)……?

I see the void in our souls and that need to be filled in a supernatural way. No money, love or sex in this world can fill this void. A human soul is thirst and longing for someone, or something to satisfy his needs. This is what we need to see, the void in our souls. It’s our human perspective that stop us from seeing the supernatural God. Yet, we human want to be in control. We want to be our own God and so whatever we want. See, we can’t play God. If we do, we’re fooling ourselves. The pride is blinding us, the greed is blinding us, the loneliness, the hurt, the pain…. the list can go on, we are blind in our spirit and we couldn’t see God. Unless, we are willing to be reached by God, God will not force us to believe in Him. Unless, we are seeking the truth, God’s truth will not be heard by the deaf. It’s only the willing hearts will see God. It’s only the humble will meet Him one day.

這輩子

初中的時候,每天下課總會在高田文具店逛一逛

每次總有收獲,買寫信紙,文具,甚至於小毛巾也有

以前不會去想我會不會花太多錢,或反省自己有的問題

我知道買東西對我來說是解壓的方式

不管是以前買文具,買零食,到現在買化妝品

我知道我在逃避一些不想面對的問題

或許,我無法想通到底 神 對我的要求是什麼

或許,其實我知道但是我做不到

有時候不禁地想, 難道我這一輩子就這樣過嗎?