Fear

Dream|Journey, Life stuffs

The hidden giant is gradually catching up on me. It disturbs my thought and my plan for future. I tried to ignore it for a long time, just pretended it was not there. God is bigger, isn’t He? I thought He is the ultimate power of everything, I never doubt it. How do I make sense of my reality with God in this picture? How do I reconcile the dilemma of having this hidden giant and God in my life?

It is everywhere, outside and inside of me, just like God is already outside and inside of me. Fear got the best of me, when I am not focusing on my spirituality. It has me wonder all the unknowns and dangers of my future. I am afraid. I am afraid of losing someone that I love the most. I felt like they are my only anchor on this earth. What if….? What if……..? The hidden giant will always allure me into this scary unknown world.

I think it is time to change the scripts inside my mind. Applying what I have learned from CCLS, it is time to make a change. Change for better, change for good, change because of God the almighty inside of me.

“I will try my best to talk to professor at ACTS, understand the admission requirement, and do everything I can to get the prerequisite courses in order to get into the program.”

“I will be more initiative when I have questions, ask the right question with the right person, never procrastinate when I have uncertainty to pursue my dream in counselling.”

“Instead of feeling incapable of getting into Master program, I will study hard, and use the best of my time in studying and doing house chores.”

“I need to focus on what I really what and what God really want for me. If buying our own place is not happening anytime soon, I will leave it to God and have Him guide our way.”

“Instead of looking here and there for part-time job to earn money, I will focus and find a way to pursue my dream, even when I need to stay unchanged as in working with Chang’s for picking their child.”

“Instead of feeling scared of losing my husband, because of fear of the unknown, I will show him love and affection as much as always as he needs and as I want.”

Your feelings are your own

Life stuffs, Psych stuffs

“Your feelings are your own. No one can offend, or hurt you if you don’t allow them.”

This is an inward attitude toward other’s behaviour. I am not responsible for their behaviour but my own, in the same way they are not responsible for my behaviour.  The message of autonomy allows me and frees me from other’s expectation, and power that controls over me. My thinkings and feelings are not the product of what “he/she says or does”. I have the power to distinguish what he/she wants and what I want. I have the power to choose the outcome of what he/she says or does toward me.  I am my own government that rules within the domain of my whole being. Therefore, setting boundary to protect myself is important.

Having said that, I deal with the conflict and try not to let my thinkings and feelings ruled by what other people did to me. I still have my right to stand up for myself. See, setting boundary for my own is not contradicting in confronting the issue. I choose not to be hurt by what he/she said, it doesn’t mean that I agree with what he/she did. That is our outward behaviour. If I don’t want to hold grudges toward others, I have two choices: forget what he/she does, or confront the person with the issue in my mind.

Seeing Elly as a very proactive person, I can see that she will always stand her ground and confront when conflict occurs. I can also see that she is a person who draws clear boundaries in every area of her life. At the same time, she gives us permission to confront her if I feel hurt by what she said. I can trust that she is a woman of her words, if she says I can confront I will go talk to her when I’m offended by what she said. I imagine CCLS program is a training ground for all the ladies, I can make mistakes and know that Elly and Mary Ann will not judge me. The bottom line is that I trust their professionalism and I can learn from them.

Moving On

Life stuffs

 

I had a chat with Mr. N today, and I have told him my intentions to start actively look for jobs in an accounting firm. There were mixed emotions, but the most prominent one was sadness. The sadness came from the thought of separation – it’s the people I’ve spent time to build relationship with. Although I am sure that these relationships will continue at a personal level, I am still saddened because I feel emotionally tied to the school – the school that I found God, good mentors and lasting friends.

So, that first step was taken. Now to take the next. May God be gracious to me and grant me insight.

Lead Me (Sanctus Real)

I look around and see my wonderful life
Almost perfect from the outside
In picture frames I see my beautiful wife
Always smiling
But on the inside, I can hear her saying…

“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can’t
Don’t leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, what about us?

Show me you’re willing to fight
That I’m still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”

I see their faces, look in their innocent eyes
They’re just children from the outside
I’m working hard, I tell myself they’ll be fine
They’re in independent
But on the inside, I can hear them saying…

“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can’t
Don’t leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, but what about us?

Show me you’re willing to fight
That I’m still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”

So Father, give me the strength
To be everything I’m called to be
Oh, Father, show me the way
To lead them
Won’t You lead me?

To lead them with strong hands
To stand up when they can’t
Don’t want to leave them hungry for love,
Chasing things that I could give up

I’ll show them I’m willing to fight
And give them the best of my life
So we can call this our home
Lead me, ’cause I can’t do this alone

Father, lead me, ’cause I can’t do this alone

Counselor

Dream|Journey, Life stuffs, Spirituality

A compassionate heart looks at other’s brokenness with love and acceptance. There is no judging or criticizing at smaller details, but gaze over to the bigger picture. It is a challenge to dig deeper and ask the right question at the right time.

Seeing Chiang’s family situation, I am urged to listen to their stories. God is stirring up my heart and prepare me for something I have been afraid of doing. Counsellor, I’m afraid to be one because I believe I can’t do it. I somehow believed that I’m not capable to listen, to wrestle with information, and to solve problems.

Now that my heart is stirred, it became restless unless I do something about it….

Mission Statement For Career

Dream|Journey, Life stuffs, Spirituality

I’ve found this statement which I wrote in 2006. I remember I took a career planning course in my last year in Trinity, and the statement is this:

“The mission of people helper,

as a follower of Jesus Christ,

comfort the weary,

counsel the broken heart,

touch the poor and needy;

with passion and compassionate heart,

to serve and empower others,

and to witness the power of gospel

through interactions with one another.”

CCLS – Be Happy. Live Free.

Life stuffs, Sore spots

Elly, my instructor, is straight forward and well declares her boundary with students. She repeatedly mentions her mom will be 100 years old today, if she hasn’t passed away. Her mom was a strong woman, very independent and also draws clear boundary with her coworker. Elly says she would like to let her mother’s legacy lives on to all the other women she comes across with.

We are reminded that we are in this class because we wanted business. So here she is, this is her work, and that’s why she is straight to the point. In a business setting, very often employees will be listening in a meeting, and would not interrupt the person who is talking. That’s what she’s training us, no talking when other’s talking. Drawing clear boundary, she says she won’t be offended and would not allow herself to be offended. It is because it’s all about business, and if you want to feel good, you can consider seeing your counsellor instead. Furthermore, she says she doesn’t listen to gossip, sounds to me that she doesn’t involve too much emotions when in working. This is what her mom taught her, independent, no gossip, and straight to business. Her friends love her as who she is, and not what she will do for others.

After today’s class, I came to a realization that I had been allowing myself and others to cross my boundaries in that organization. Mrs.J was all about having independent worker, and not have to worry about workers feeling hurt. As much as she expected workers to work effectively, she also emotionally abuse others. That being said, this working environment is toxic and unhealthy. I must be involved too much emotions in this place as well, because this was my church. I understand why I wasn’t feeling as hurt when Mr. Leung yelled and slandered in front of me, because I didn’t care about him. I was working in Best W for work. At PLK, I didn’t care about all other woman workers, I cared for my kid and I did well not gossiping.

Although, I’m not sure how I’m going to get things done for this class. I don’t even know if I would get placement …. but I learned about myself and how I set boundary for work. I’m glad I came to this realization today. Now, if I can only continue to pray for forgiveness….

Crisis

Life stuffs, Sore spots, Spirituality

Spent last two days with W to talk about her marriage crisis. I must say I’m not ready to be a counsellor because I got emotional along as we talked about what’s been going on last few years. Maybe God doesn’t me to solve their problem but walk along with them and support them. I learned that I still need to develop my counselling skills with critical mind, objective and calm.

Talked with K today, we concluded that God must be doing something in their lives. I came to realize that what is happened today fulfilled what I said few years back. I told hubby that in order for them to walk together in ministry, they have to walk side by side with same heart and vision. This powerful ministry came with these two broken people that are willing to be built by God. One cannot walk without another. This has to be done in order to allow God interfere in their lives. Break their pride, selfness, even brokenness from family and past. The time is here, everything will show when the light comes. Nothing can hide anymore, God will reveal all the darkness in us. The deepest root of all sins will be revealed because God is here ready to give surgery to the sickness in heart. The core of all being, these hearts must be renewed, rebuilt, and transform.

Interview for CCLS program

Life stuffs, Uncategorized

I went to see Elly for interview this morning. I must say I was grumpy and nervous since I got up. Getting into the program or not, I was feeling stressful because I need to talk to someone one on one. It was all the negative thoughts that played in my head… “I wonder if I looked stupid? Maybe I sound dumb… or….” I tried to judge myself before anyone judge me, so that I’ll prepare for the worst. Obviously, I overstressed myself with all these judgment in my head. Maybe I should learn how to make peace with my inner voice.

During the interview, I needed to answer few questions. Overall the interview is casual, it shouldn’t be a stressful event. We talked about my two bachelor degrees, how I was going to do with those degrees. I stated that I was hurt at church and I didn’t want to do anything with church anymore. She told me that Christians or not, we are all humans and human make mistakes. When we talked about emotional support, hubby is my number one support. Since I don’t trust anyone, and I don’t go to friends to talk about my issues, I often feel stressful myself. Elly asked me how do I draw the perimeter when trusting someone. I said it was a good question and I’ve never thought of that before. I guess I just trust or not trust base on feeling or my so-called “intuition”. I’m not sure….

Later on we talked about applying A.U.G funding. I asked do I need to have that approved first in order to get into the program. What if I paid first to save the seat, and then apply for AUG? She said I asked a good question, which she wasn’t sure about. But she made sure that I was okay with paying first. I said I’m not too worried about the funding, I just want to make sure that I’m in the program. She smiled and said, “You really want to get in huh?” So she walked me to the enrolment centre and asked Norma to help me with the AUG funding, as well as start the registration process. When Elly left, she congratulates me for getting into the program and she said she will see me next Tuesday.

So I am in!!! I didn’t think it’ll be easy and I don’t think it was easy. But I definitely want to show her that I wanted to be there. I want a change and I need a change. As for replacement, there’ll be a person who will arrange the replacement for me, but I need to contact them. As the semester goes on, she will explain it more. It’ll be about 20 hours, or 3 days a week for two weeks in a month period.