或者我唔係呢個世界上 會對任何人都少一分痛苦。 我唔知我係呢個世界上有咩用， 我只覺得我無用。係， 我好自私，只想人地明白我， 鼓勵我，關心我。我覺得我身體無力，咩都做唔到呀！ 有無人明呀！
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Talked to Miss E
I met Miss E today and we talked for almost 2 hours through our breakfast time. After our talk, I got a better idea of what’s going on in the L’s family. I’m a little surprised to hear some of the stuffs that happened. As much as I wanted to help, it’s really family business we’re talking about. I’m not sure if I wanna get into someone’s family matter. Yet, it’ll be in my prayers.
唔開心
I don’t really know what happened this morning. I think I was confused. At one point I asked if hunny wanted coffee and breakie and she said yes. I made breakfast and all of a sudden hunny was unhappy. I found out that her lower back was hurting but somehow the conversation turned into how I go into work late in the morning. Later she explained that she thought I had class so it would be better if I went to work earlier and would get home earlier. I have clarified that I don’t have a class tonight. Then that conversation has remained stuck in taking about me going into work late.
Then I was going to write to Mr. N to let him know I wasn’t coming into work so I could be with hunny and go to see Florie with her. She wouldn’t let me.
I am still confused. I think I have been trying to make an effort to not be a workaholic. Hunny wasn’t happy about me having to lock up once in a while. I know I don’t have to, and I can probably leave at 4:45 everyday to avoid having to lock up, but isn’t that taking it to an extreme? I don’t understand why locking up once in a while is a problem… It’s just a part of being an office staff.
But then again, may be I am upset because I can’t find a balance between the two. I don’t want to be an absent husband, and I don’t want to be a workaholic. I pray that God can help me find the balance.
Interview for CCLS program
I went to see Elly for interview this morning. I must say I was grumpy and nervous since I got up. Getting into the program or not, I was feeling stressful because I need to talk to someone one on one. It was all the negative thoughts that played in my head… “I wonder if I looked stupid? Maybe I sound dumb… or….” I tried to judge myself before anyone judge me, so that I’ll prepare for the worst. Obviously, I overstressed myself with all these judgment in my head. Maybe I should learn how to make peace with my inner voice.
During the interview, I needed to answer few questions. Overall the interview is casual, it shouldn’t be a stressful event. We talked about my two bachelor degrees, how I was going to do with those degrees. I stated that I was hurt at church and I didn’t want to do anything with church anymore. She told me that Christians or not, we are all humans and human make mistakes. When we talked about emotional support, hubby is my number one support. Since I don’t trust anyone, and I don’t go to friends to talk about my issues, I often feel stressful myself. Elly asked me how do I draw the perimeter when trusting someone. I said it was a good question and I’ve never thought of that before. I guess I just trust or not trust base on feeling or my so-called “intuition”. I’m not sure….
Later on we talked about applying A.U.G funding. I asked do I need to have that approved first in order to get into the program. What if I paid first to save the seat, and then apply for AUG? She said I asked a good question, which she wasn’t sure about. But she made sure that I was okay with paying first. I said I’m not too worried about the funding, I just want to make sure that I’m in the program. She smiled and said, “You really want to get in huh?” So she walked me to the enrolment centre and asked Norma to help me with the AUG funding, as well as start the registration process. When Elly left, she congratulates me for getting into the program and she said she will see me next Tuesday.
So I am in!!! I didn’t think it’ll be easy and I don’t think it was easy. But I definitely want to show her that I wanted to be there. I want a change and I need a change. As for replacement, there’ll be a person who will arrange the replacement for me, but I need to contact them. As the semester goes on, she will explain it more. It’ll be about 20 hours, or 3 days a week for two weeks in a month period.