maybe I shouldn’t expect anything from talking out loud my feelings. I don’t feel there’s emotional support anyways. when you’re annoyed i pointed out that you cut me off in the middle, I should have known better. why should I expect what I think would happen, a hug, a word of comfort, showing empathy…. the fact that I was left alone again after Josiah went to sleep, you didn’t bother to check on me. you were typing away in your work laptop, I was left alone in the tv room. I could only guess maybe you have some important due soon, only guessing, because you never tell me anything that stress you out. no communication, no exchange of feelings. what are we doing here… coexist…. I guess

I have dream I have a walk in a garden, my garden.

It was a sunny day, and some guests came to visit particularly my garden. The first spot we stopped by was the hydrangea plant. One was blooming beautifully with huge flower, beautiful colour, and the other one was cut to the bottom. A guest asked what happened to that plant. I answered that even though it looked ugly and dead now, but it was trimmed so that it will thrive later on.

We then continue to walk deeper in the garden, I was amazed how beautiful the garden is. All the flowers are now full bloom, trees bear lots of fruits. The one big Christmas tree like tree with triangle shape, probably 10-15 or more feet tall bears green apple shape fruits. It doesn’t matter if that’s apple or not, the point is the fruits look big and healthy.

I take some time to look around the garden, and I see a huge arbor with grape vines like plant growing on it. I can see the vine and its fruit. All the fruits are huge like green apple. Yes, green apple again, because that’s the colour and size I see in the dream.

As I finish admiring this garden, I walk toward the back door of my house. I see a display shelf full of candies. Those candies are very colourful, and some I recognize and some I’ve never seen before. I was excited and happy to see all these candies because they belong to this garden, this house, or to me.

I woke up feeling excited knowing that this is a dream from God. I woke up on January 1st with this dream, and I immediately think of the theme of this year is “Fruitful”.

May our lives be fruitful as God designed for us in year 2022, amen.

who am i

I am merely existing

I don’t feel like being a mother

I don’t feel like a wife anymore

we are merely existing in this same place

no more talking

no more walking

life has no meaning

no more praying together

what is life

it’s only with tiredness and lonliness

who am i

I am merely existing

Sometime I wonder … to have your body broken, your heart broken, your soul and mind broken if it is worthy to have a child. The messed up emotions, and hormones and unending tiredness… does it worth it. This broken body isn’t the same as it used to, I’m no longer strong enough to move stuffs by myself. I hate needing somebody to help, I hate I need to ask, i hate to see people not doing things my way, I hate to see things not done like how I imagine… just because I have a child, I have a broken body, and I can’t do stuffs myself. Gosh, I hate myself not strong enough.

The little body, that little peanut, touched the deepest part of my heart. It’s not even nearly closed to compare to the Father’s heart. But I’m touched in a way I’ve never imagined before. It’s not because I cried every time I thought of my baby. I found a new love that I’m not familiar, and that I’ve never known I have such compacity to extend to another soul.

Hubby always demonstrates how selfless he is to me and to our family. He has been an anchor to my whole being. He has been strong when I went through this difficult pregnancy. Every time I felt broken, he was there to support me. He carried my every broken pieces, and told me everything will be okay. He mended my brokenness by walking with me and showing me unconditional love.

I don’t want to feel hopeless, but I can’t control my tears. Is that a tear of joy or sadness? Is that just short period of baby blue? I don’t feel depressed, I know I have family and friends to support me. I hope to walk out of this blues, and become a stronger mom to Josiah. Even when I don’t feel the connection with him yet. I miss the bonding time with him when he’s in hospital.

May I say that I feel scared to connect/ bond with him somehow? I don’t know why I feel that way. I love this little peanut! Maybe I’m afraid that one day I’ll lose him…? I’m afraid to imagine the day he comes home now. I can’t get that picture in my mind, because everything is unknown at this moment. I understand he only has feeding issue and is already getting better. However, I’m afraid to think the positive.

Lord, shine your new light in me so I may see. The purpose you have in me, a new role that you have designed for my life. Strength my soul as I walk this walk on earth. Give me eyes to see your heavenly design in our lives, our family, our child, our love for each other. You’ve touched us in a whole new way, with new life that a human being is given right in front of us. Thank you Lord for making us parents to this precious child, Josiah.

I am not as good as I thought

I am imperfect, full of brokenness and in need of grace

“Hear my cry, O God, listen to my prayer; from the end of the earth I call to you when my heart is faint. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I, for you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the enemy. Let me dwell in your tent forever! Let me take refuge under the shelter of your wings! Selah”
‭‭Psalm‬ ‭61:1-4

I am not a perfect husband, father and son. In Christ I am made whole

Lord, please help me

That is all 🥰

每個晚上總緊緊看著睡著的你，彷彿是每天僅有看到你的時間。每天心裡都有很多說不完的話想對你說，卻看見你疲倦的雙眼時我開不了口。

今晚想緊緊抱著熟睡的你，想抱你，親你， 你無意識之間一手把我推開了。

我這時心隱隱地痛，眼淚不聽話的一直流，想起以前你會抱著我緊緊地入睡。多晚都會陪我聊天，等我睡覺。

如果可以從來，我寧願沒有房子，沒有狗，沒有房貸，兩人生活輕鬆的日子⋯

This morning my instructor spent a good portion of class to talk about spirituality. She started the class with prophetize on one of the classmate. She moved on to the other classmate talking about how she’s very in tune with the spirit and she has sensitivity to the spirit.

Earlier this morning, I was reading the bible and tried to pick up the reading routine since I’ll be in school early these days. So I was trying to be connect with God again….

Then, the class started with talking about spirituality. I had such great resistance to listen to it. I thought I didn’t sign up for a spirituality class, I signed up for a counselling program. I had an urge to drop this program and thought I would just go to ACTS.

I guess… I think… the Holy Spirit reminded me and ask me why I resist to listen to this talk. A talk about God, about his people, about how a Christian gift will be manifested in a counselling session.

I guess it came down to the self-awareness of the deepest desire of my heart to be in tune with the Spirit. However, the past hurts hinder me from going there. It was hurtful to think about that and still… I’m dealing with this hurt? I thought I’m done with it…. I thought I don’t have to think of it anymore.

Yet, the talk in the early classroom makes me realize my heart longs for God and yet I push Him out of the picture because of the hurt I’m still experiencing.

The resistance. The pain.

is still exist