Category Archives: Spirituality

Renewal of Spiritual Journey

Health & Wellness, Pregnancy Diary, Spirituality

The renewal of spiritual journey starts with new life. The coming of baby Josiah has reminded me the grace of God. Oh how inadequate am I to claim that I have faith in God. I have such little faith to believe that He is my saviour, he is my healer. Yet, we chose his name, Josiah, the healing of God. Every time I felt scared, guilty, or broken, He reminded me the meaning of my baby’s name.

I’ve witnessed healing among other people, that lady in wheelchair got healed and started to walk. When I look at my son, I feel helpless and hopeless. I’ve forgotten what He can do or what He has already done. Yet, I’m reminded again and again, He is the healer.

I expected this is a longer journey to see Josiah to grow into a strong body, and strong mind when he grows older. I have such little faith to see the future. Now, I see that He is walking with us, we are not alone. We were never alone, He is here, and He will be with us.

Revive us oh God! Remind us daily Your grace and mercy. We need you oh Lord~ Strengthen our mind and soul so we may continue to walk undivided.

in the process

Dream|Journey, Life stuffs, Sore spots, Spirituality

I didn’t receive email for lifting 10kg material test before Dec 2. At first CRA staff would like another reference send in, besides Mr. N already sent one. I was then asking Dr. D to be my reference. The whole process was stressful, as I somehow didn’t believe that people in authority would want to help me. As much as I wanted to believe them, knowing that they’re faithful servant of God, deep down in my heart I distrusted them. Maybe I didn’t believe in myself, or thinking I wasn’t worthy of being help?

Fast forward to another week, got an email on Dec 3 for another questionnaire. This time is more prominent, as it seems the email has particularly indicate the position is for Surrey location. The questionnaire expire on Dec 7, which means I might have to wait another week to be contacted for the heavy lifting test.

I believe God knows every single details in my life, also what’s going on in my body. I can’t believe I walked into Florie while she was having a free 15mins in her clinic. That rarely happened to her, but she decided to give me a scan as I mentioned my stomach wasn’t well every time I ate. It turned out I had been eating too much carbs and my stomach and whole body became very acidic, which is a growing ground for fungus. She gave me some new drops to treat fungus and wanted me to go in to see her asap.

I was on the cancelation list, but to my surprise I got in to see her a week after. Again, if it’s not God’s hand moving me into that direction, I don’t know when I will be able to see Florie. I’m slowing getting better with my stomach. I was very concerned with my heart, as it was pounding heavily. Florie pointed out it was anxiety, more likely related to my emotional stress. I was a bit relief knowing it’s not a heart problem.

God has been faithful, always is and always will. I casually told him that if I ever get the CRA job, I’ll start going back to church. I think he reminded me that I don’t need to bargain with him. Our relationship isn’t like that at all, his love for me doesn’t base on how often I go to church. I have a deeply assurance that my relationship with him has never changed, even when I feel distant to him sometimes. If anything, this relationship will only grow stronger and better. Thank you Lord~

Worship

Sore spots, Spirituality

When I was single, there was always a picture in my mind. I will be on the stage leading worship and my future husband will be playing music for me since I can’t play instruments while singing. That had been my dream, and I will say it is still my dream.

Every time I listen to worship music, this long lost dream will pop up again.

Today, as I was listening to Hillsong music, this had me thinking if I would ever go back to lead worship one day. Are we wasting God’s given talent not serving him? I know serving is not about standing on stage…. but what if my call is to lead worship on stage? Will my husband serve with me, my hubby who is my support, my biggest cheerleader, my musical director?

I love singing, but I’m so afraid to stand in front of people. I love singing, but I’m very afraid to make mistakes. I love singing, but I’m afraid I would sound very bad…. maybe fear has conquered me once again and dreams are killed. Will God revive in me what seems to be lost?

Hunny, for you

Life stuffs, Psych stuffs, Sore spots, Spirituality

Hunny, you’ve been wondering what’s going on in my mind whenever we talk about me getting a job. What’s been hindering my first step and why did that organization bring such impact on my every moves.

It’s been a long journey to find my identity, to understand my personality, and to accept who I am. Ever since I was young, I always lacked of self-confidence.  I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life, except having much hatred toward my brother and parents.

God brought me back to HK to understand my family background, and under my parent’s constant pressure I had no choice but searched for job.  I said that I was under pressure because I wasn’t motivated to look for one.  I was so afraid of failure, small talk, and formal interview, I basically wanted to avoid human contacts. Working in PLK for more than year, I found myself having more confident at least interacting with children. Of course, having the affirmation from my supervisor also helped me to know that I am able.

So, what has gone wrong in between the time in PLK and that org. Maybe it’s expectation of Christians being loving and kind, accepting and gracious, discipline but not strict. I can only say that the confidence that I once found was destroyed from that place. It took so long to build up that confidence, yet it took so little time to crumble down.

The constant battle in my mind torturing myself not being the person whom God created me to be, not motivated enough to get up and search for jobs, not having enough energy to get out there to exercise, not having the energy that I want to maintain this house and take care of you, take care of your needs. Knowing that you’ve always sacrificed, and putting me first, I feel even more shameful and not worthy of it all.

The mindful battle between what I think I can do and what I don’t believe I can do. All the lies and judgement, from an evil person I considered a self-centred so called Christian…. May God show me/us the way to mend this brokenness.

Hubby Thank You!

Journey to our home, Spirituality

As I was looking at your face, I felt that there should be more that I could be doing to ease your burden.

It hurts me to see that you carry all the burdens, which mainly about money, and yet you would never complaint.

I’m thankful, hubby!

You’ve shown me unconditional love and acceptance.

You’ve loved me, more than I’ve ever imagined.

Few months before we started to date, God woke me up one morning. It was 4am and I was fully awake. Holy Spirit promoted me to pray for my future husband. He showed me that I had significant insecurity about marriage. Today, I can say that I was clearly reminded by God at that moment. He said whomever that I would be with in the future, always trust that he loves me and don’t ever doubt it.

God has shown me faithful and his words are true.

You’ve always loved me, even when I have doubt.

You’ve always shown me love, even when I act selfishly.

You’re a God sent husband, truly a gift from God more than I ever deserved.

Thank you, Hubby, for being with me, loving me, showing me what love is.

I pray that everyday I’ll be a better wife than yesterday to you, and to you only.

I love you~

 

More than a week

Life stuffs, Spirituality

It’s been more than a week and I would say it’s about few weeks ago that I smell that faint foul smell in the laundry room.

I was jokingly telling Bao that our house smells like death. However, that’s not what I’ve sensed in my spirit.

See, I don’t consider that as bad lucky (even though it’s only the beginning of the year).  My perspective shifts to seeing God reminds us to cleanse all the bad, the sins, and all that He detests in our lives. He reminds us to go to Him daily so that He will cleanse us from our sins. No, it’s not a ritual, but a constant relationship with God that we shall talk to him every moments in our lives.

He reminds me not to give up on this relationship and not to putting him in the back room.

As I posted the last journal, I was reminded that we need to allow the Holy Spirit in our lives.  We need to have our spirit renew again and again.  We ought not to stuck in our daily routine, but forgot that He is God, the centre of our lives. He has provision more than we can ever ask for. He heals and restores us even when I feel miserable. That is why I think those two chinese songs became our theme songs. It’s not about us. It’s all about  Him, how is worthy to be praised

年初

Spirituality

我覺得這兩首，超乎所求 &耶和華的禧年， 是神給我們今年的歌：

 

 

超乎所求

耶和華以勒     我供應者  你超乎我一切所求
耶和華拉法     我醫治者，因你鞭傷我得釋放
耶和華沙瑪     與我同在
你供應我所需     你是超乎所求
超乎所想     超乎我一切所需

 

 

耶和華的禧年

耶和華的靈在我心裡
使我剛強有能力
叫那貧窮得富足
叫那瞎眼得醫治
叫那捆綁 勞苦重擔得釋放

現在就是耶和華的禧年
現在就是耶和華的禧年
我要歌頌讚美主
歡慶敬拜祂
高聲宣楊耶和華的禧年

Defeated

Sore spots, Spirituality

Yesterday I felt defeated again. I felt that I wasn’t smart enough, good enough, to say what I want to say. I hate, HATE, group project. I dislike meeting in a group because I know I don’t have anything to say. And people either try to help me, or encourage me to talk…. I have nothing to say. HATE! HATE! HATE!!! group work. I felt like I would never prepare enough to say anything meaningful, helpful, resourceful to the group.

I felt defeated, to have this feeling I’ll never good enough for anybody, or anyone.

I felt defeated, to feel I’m not smart or knowledgable.

I felt defeated, when I feel my body continues to fail me, when I wanted to study but I’m too tired to concentrate.

I felt defeated, even when I tried to listen during group meeting, all my mind was thinking I felt sick and get me out of there.

I felt defeated, and I know He is listening but I’m not listening to him.

Classmate

Dream|Journey, Psych stuffs, Spirituality

One of my classmates was away for two days already. She is here alone with her two daughters in Canada, and apparently her daughters aren’t used to being here. My first hunch is that they are home sick and missing their friends. That left my classmate having a hard time with them, because they’re acting out. They aren’t going to bed and aren’t studying. She’s having a hard time with them, and she’s telling me that she’s going to fail this current course.

Though both of us are quiet and didn’t talk much, somehow we are connected. Maybe because she’s in my self-exploration group. Maybe because she’s away from home just arriving here in Canada three months ago. I can relate to her and sense her struggles, be it language barrier or away from home.

I sent her an email last night and greet her with blessings. I asked God in my heart if she’s going to make it through the program, and my heart somehow aches for her. But God told me to not to worry, just pray for her. I continue to pray that God has such a way to comfort her daughters, when God’s willing help her to finish this program until next August.