Tonight I felt defeated. I tried to sit down and study, but my mind is foggy and tired. I slept an hour or so to take a nap. It didn’t help. I’m frustrated that my brain doesn’t want to cooperate with me for this final exam study. At this moment, I wonder what I’m doing… why am I doing this?
Category Archives: Sore spots
In Group Practice
We were in groups practicing counselling today. I must say that I was intimidated by a guy client. He appeared to be confident and fast thinking. He was my client and I had to counsel him in the group. While I did well with empathy, I just couldn’t get pass to get him making goals and solutions.
As I was the client making up a story to tell, it seemed that the conversation went into circle. I wondered if I made it too difficult for the counsellor, or discouraged her. As she said in the end that she wasn’t good at making empathy statement. Which was after the instructor came over and made a comment on how I was good at making empathy statement. Again, I felt I like I was among the people who are competitive, I hate that feelings. In between the counselling conversation, I commented that this is a difficult story for her to unpack. Due to the nature of the story and people that are involved. I was sharing that was my friend’s real story and how I spent a whole week with her figuring things out…. but…. they both didn’t hear or respond to anything that i said about the story, or i should say why i told that story because it made me wanted to study counselling. Anyways, sometimes i don’t get white people… or maybe they were so focus on getting everything right for being a counsellor, and make a statement right…. so my story was ignored because that doesn’t matter?
Changes and pain
Our heart ache for this change. Who would have thought there were so many memories only you and I share. From CFN to CC, from CC to PLBC, we grew and witnessed God’s fathfulness through it all. He provided more than we needed and wanted. We’re thankful for the friends we made along this journey. As we sail away to our next phrase. Let’s just say that the changes is good, but it scars us and brings us pain. This mark will forever in our heart. May God remind us your goodness and faithfulness when this mark tugs our aching heart. We’ll continue to bring light to this world. May God be with us.
What dinner?
Five day ago when I met Miss L, I lightly suggested that maybe we should have dinner this coming Sunday with other families. Life goes on, school started, and I was exhausted with two full days of school. I totally forgot the dinner …. It’s Sunday today and got her message in the afternoon. She told me that the dinner is confirmed, but she forgot to tell.
First, I forgot about the dinner. Second, she confirmed the dinner without letting me know. Third, I felt like I was blamed not showing up since I started the idea for dinner. I can only say that there’s miscommunication in between…. However, it still bugs me when I think about that… it interrupted my thoughts on writing paper, that sucks!
Lord, I admit that I am wrong not confirming or even forgot about the dinner. Will you help me to ease the anger within me. Although, I would like to know why I’m so mad… I don’t have time for this right now. Can you kindly give me peace at heart so that I might finish my paper tonight? Thank you Lord!
生離死別
早上收到 Fido 的訊息通知我missed 了一通電話。對照contact list 後知道是 Mrs.D， 接著收到她 line message 我還是沒有回。再過半小時 T 打來，原來是 她的 uncle 走了，問我可不可以去接她媽媽。她需要去 VGH，但是請我載她到 skytrain 也可以。我支吾以對地拒絕了。
這兩天我無法負荷身體的軟弱，又再次感覺無力，頭痛。加上我其實害怕面對生離死別，人生有一次就夠了。自從 Tammy 回天家後，我再沒有去喪禮，去了也不會瞻仰遺容。想到有一天是自己的父母，那是無可避免的。所以現在我不認識的，我覺得我可以能不去就不去了。請原諒我的軟弱，身體跟精神的軟弱， 我無法幫忙今天的任務。 我知道這幾天來 我早上都已經畫好妝，隨時是可以出門的。小狗也適應我們出門，但是 I feel like something is weighting me down … physically. I feel helpless and I dont’ know what I can do to make myself better.
是不是我又給自己藉口不去行動了？我是不是很自私？ /____\
postponing….
I’m not sure if “postponing” is even a right form of word. I mean I have been setting the application aside. I must admit, I’m too afraid to fail. I’m afraid of rejection of entering the program. I’m afraid if I’m accepted, I won’t be able to finish all the assignments. I’m afraid even if I can finish all the assignment, my grades won’t be good enough for me to pursue my master degree in the future. I’m afraid I can’t find a job after I finish the program. I’m afraid…. too many things…. that actually stops me from writing the application.
How silly… or I dunno….
Writing it all down, I can see I’m always fear driven. Where’s my hope? Why am I not driven by hope or anything positive? Why don’t I see the bright side of this world? I always see the dark, maybe I’m drawn to the dark…. Can I ask God to help me to see there’s hope at the end of the tunnel? Can I ask him to show me the way and help me to stay on it? Can I ask him to give me strength to walk on the path that he desires for me? Can my spirit be stronger so that I can walk on for God? Can I ask him to shine his light upon me so that dark will flee away? Can I not be afraid to think what other people think of me, and just focus what God think? Can I have a stronger desire to read his word. Can I have the determination to be a self-discipline person? Can I have desire to be self-control in everything that I do? Can I…..
one of those days
That was one of those days I became sad and depressed. Negative thought was rushing in my mind like a tornado, I could only go down with it. Sometimes I wonder where is God in all these? I didn’t doubt His existence, but I’m wondering what He’s thinking? We’ve been missing in action, church wise …. What does He think of us? I really don’t know anymore….
:(
Oki was in his playpen chewing his bone, and all of the sudden he started to rip the newspaper. Being a clean freak, I went in to clean up the mess. He kept ripping the newspaper and bit me. I was angry and stomp the floor. That must have startled him somehow. Then I stomped the floor while I walked away, he barked once and then quiet…. what did I do wrong?
This Morning
I see the change in your eyes when I look at you. You are tired and probably stress without telling me. The Hunny that I’ve known for so long isn’t the same anymore. It’s not a bad/good change, but rather a heavy burden sitting on your shoulder that made me sad. I blame myself not being able to go out to work. I blame myself for spending so much money. I blame myself not sharing your burden. I can’t even tell if you are enjoying our new puppy due to so much going on. I really really want to help…. I do…
Day 3
I wonder if I should leave Oki in his playpen all the time. Today I put him in the playpen twice and each time when he came out I would let him go to the yard. Being his curious self, Oki found something to eat and play at the very back of the yard, I’m a little worried since I’m not sure what he’s eating. So I tried to put him on the leash but he didn’t want to walk. Another time I kept the harness on without the leash, he would just roaming around. When he came back in the house, he became a little aggressive when he played with me. I didn’t understand until he pee on the floor. I remember he didn’t pee the last time he went out, but I thought I could catch the timing if ever he needs to go….
I felt like a failure when I saw him pee on the floor. I’m thinking “I suck”. Now he’s sleeping in his playpen. I wonder if he was being grumpy because of holding the pee and feeling sleepy at the same time.