After the phone call with TL, I got a chain of emails.
I mentioned in the phone call that I wasn’t sure about adhere adjustment, I wasn’t sure I heard that before….
TL puts me under the spotlight, it creates a chain of reaction….
How upsetting…
I don’t say that I hate this department for no reason!
Everything is restrictive….
it sucks being here…..
I didn’t receive email for lifting 10kg material test before Dec 2. At first CRA staff would like another reference send in, besides Mr. N already sent one. I was then asking Dr. D to be my reference. The whole process was stressful, as I somehow didn’t believe that people in authority would want to help me. As much as I wanted to believe them, knowing that they’re faithful servant of God, deep down in my heart I distrusted them. Maybe I didn’t believe in myself, or thinking I wasn’t worthy of being help?
Fast forward to another week, got an email on Dec 3 for another questionnaire. This time is more prominent, as it seems the email has particularly indicate the position is for Surrey location. The questionnaire expire on Dec 7, which means I might have to wait another week to be contacted for the heavy lifting test.
I believe God knows every single details in my life, also what’s going on in my body. I can’t believe I walked into Florie while she was having a free 15mins in her clinic. That rarely happened to her, but she decided to give me a scan as I mentioned my stomach wasn’t well every time I ate. It turned out I had been eating too much carbs and my stomach and whole body became very acidic, which is a growing ground for fungus. She gave me some new drops to treat fungus and wanted me to go in to see her asap.
I was on the cancelation list, but to my surprise I got in to see her a week after. Again, if it’s not God’s hand moving me into that direction, I don’t know when I will be able to see Florie. I’m slowing getting better with my stomach. I was very concerned with my heart, as it was pounding heavily. Florie pointed out it was anxiety, more likely related to my emotional stress. I was a bit relief knowing it’s not a heart problem.
God has been faithful, always is and always will. I casually told him that if I ever get the CRA job, I’ll start going back to church. I think he reminded me that I don’t need to bargain with him. Our relationship isn’t like that at all, his love for me doesn’t base on how often I go to church. I have a deeply assurance that my relationship with him has never changed, even when I feel distant to him sometimes. If anything, this relationship will only grow stronger and better. Thank you Lord~
I’m not sure why Mr.N’s reference doesn’t work ….
still haven’t heard back from Dr.D….
I thought I’m ready to work, earn money, lighten the load of Hunny….
I don’t know what’s in the mind of God….
I’m confused….
I’m nervous….
I’m anxious…
my soul is restless….
The long wait had been gone, I finally decided to apply for a job. Though I must say i didn’t work hard to find one at all, this opportunity to pursuit one is here. Who knows if this is what God has in mind, I just knew that this opportunity seems too easy to come by. I’ve been feeling stressed and nervous since I found out I’ll be taking the exam and having the interview on Oct 27th.
I’m stressed and nervous because I feel like this is my chance to prove that I am able. Is this God’s given chance to prove that I am still capable to do well in exams, speak english in a cohesive and logic way to express myself. Am I able to do this job? I want to prove that I can and I want to grab this opportunity so that I can see my worth.
I also want to start to work so that I can help ease the load on Hubby’s shoulder. He has been working so hard to support our family. Yet, I’m doing nothing, and I wanted a change…. I want to work hard together with hubby to pursuit our goals, and to travel around the world.
As much as I wanted to get this job, I need to lay it all down to Him. If He’s willing…
May Your will be done, amen.
When I was single, there was always a picture in my mind. I will be on the stage leading worship and my future husband will be playing music for me since I can’t play instruments while singing. That had been my dream, and I will say it is still my dream.
Every time I listen to worship music, this long lost dream will pop up again.
Today, as I was listening to Hillsong music, this had me thinking if I would ever go back to lead worship one day. Are we wasting God’s given talent not serving him? I know serving is not about standing on stage…. but what if my call is to lead worship on stage? Will my husband serve with me, my hubby who is my support, my biggest cheerleader, my musical director?
I love singing, but I’m so afraid to stand in front of people. I love singing, but I’m very afraid to make mistakes. I love singing, but I’m afraid I would sound very bad…. maybe fear has conquered me once again and dreams are killed. Will God revive in me what seems to be lost?
Hunny, you’ve been wondering what’s going on in my mind whenever we talk about me getting a job. What’s been hindering my first step and why did that organization bring such impact on my every moves.
It’s been a long journey to find my identity, to understand my personality, and to accept who I am. Ever since I was young, I always lacked of self-confidence. I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life, except having much hatred toward my brother and parents.
God brought me back to HK to understand my family background, and under my parent’s constant pressure I had no choice but searched for job. I said that I was under pressure because I wasn’t motivated to look for one. I was so afraid of failure, small talk, and formal interview, I basically wanted to avoid human contacts. Working in PLK for more than year, I found myself having more confident at least interacting with children. Of course, having the affirmation from my supervisor also helped me to know that I am able.
So, what has gone wrong in between the time in PLK and that org. Maybe it’s expectation of Christians being loving and kind, accepting and gracious, discipline but not strict. I can only say that the confidence that I once found was destroyed from that place. It took so long to build up that confidence, yet it took so little time to crumble down.
The constant battle in my mind torturing myself not being the person whom God created me to be, not motivated enough to get up and search for jobs, not having enough energy to get out there to exercise, not having the energy that I want to maintain this house and take care of you, take care of your needs. Knowing that you’ve always sacrificed, and putting me first, I feel even more shameful and not worthy of it all.
The mindful battle between what I think I can do and what I don’t believe I can do. All the lies and judgement, from an evil person I considered a self-centred so called Christian…. May God show me/us the way to mend this brokenness.
I know I’ve never told you why I’m so neglect in applying for a job. It’s because my mind is set in taking care of mom and dad while they’re here. I can already feel the stress, and knowing what mom will probably nag me about in getting a job.
Yet, I want to spend time with them while I can. I can’t help but having watery eyes every time the thought of they’re getting older and will leave me one day. I think it’s even less than half of my life time I’m by their side, It seems I’m always in Canada.
And the more I think of taking care of them, the more I feel stress because nothing can happen without money.
The thought of going to work is kinda screw up my mind. I’m so afraid of meeting nasty people, nasty leaders, nasty boss….. I can say that I’m pretty anti social now, I must admit I’m not fond of the idea of meeting people.
Again, reality is reality. I hate to talk about money… but reality is I need to work to get more money.
I have a lot of “what if” in my mind…. anyways….
There’s nothing special with stepping into year 2018.
I’m still alone sitting in front of the computer in this new year morning.
All by myself even when this is the last day of your holiday, new year morning of 2018.
I’m not sure if I’m allowed to feel upset at the fact that you didn’t notice when you decided to meet someone on the new year morning
I’m not sure if I’m allowed to be upset because that’s not a good wife should be doing
I’m not sure why I’m this upset, still crying when you are already driving away
I’m not sure if I could put away my ideal new year morning, thinking of spending time with you and having breakfast with you, your last day of holiday, and our new year morning…….
最近總是有一股莫名的怒火冒起，也許是對自己的失望，做不了自己想做的事，身體不聽使喚 不合作的疲憊，退學以後 總會想應該要去找工作，但是不知道自己想要的是什麼，申請想要的工作 卻又被拒絕了，心中的怒火冉冉上升，還是會想到以前在某個地方工作時遇到職場虐待，還是不明白為甚麼有人可以這樣對待別人。 昨天得知陳師母回天家的消息，本該感到難過的我 卻覺得憤怒。因為想到她也是一樣在那個地方遇到不公平的待遇。她也是一樣被傷害，被誹謗。我想為甚麼好人都不長命，衰人卻還在這裡招搖撞騙。我心裡覺得安慰 因為她已經卸下地上的勞苦，不再有皮囊的折磨。 若不是前一陣子夢見陳牧師 平安對待師母回天家的樣子，我可又開始擔心了。看見陳牧師，師母的堅強與謙卑，心中真的充滿羨慕，真的打從心底敬仰他們。這才是我心中該有牧者的榜樣。
Yesterday I felt defeated again. I felt that I wasn’t smart enough, good enough, to say what I want to say. I hate, HATE, group project. I dislike meeting in a group because I know I don’t have anything to say. And people either try to help me, or encourage me to talk…. I have nothing to say. HATE! HATE! HATE!!! group work. I felt like I would never prepare enough to say anything meaningful, helpful, resourceful to the group.
I felt defeated, to have this feeling I’ll never good enough for anybody, or anyone.
I felt defeated, to feel I’m not smart or knowledgable.
I felt defeated, when I feel my body continues to fail me, when I wanted to study but I’m too tired to concentrate.
I felt defeated, even when I tried to listen during group meeting, all my mind was thinking I felt sick and get me out of there.
I felt defeated, and I know He is listening but I’m not listening to him.