There are times I feel that my physical and psychological condition are going ups and downs. Maybe it’s this monthly time again, I feel very emotional these two days. I feel a little depressed and I’m not sleeping well. I guess doing some exercise will help my sleep at night….
Will I ever get better and be normal again? I’m not sure if I ever know what normal is….
So I finally decided to connect with Ms.L again, and answered her text. I stated that I was going through a majorly mood swing and depression. Then the conversation went on…. she invited me to visit her and go out with her, but I kindly rejected.
I must say I’m still in that mode and I’m not ready to go out yet. I understand she’s being kind and proactive to “help” me. Yet, sometimes what she does just make me feel like she’s being pushy. When I say pushy, I mean she’s not quitting to let you know that she cares. However, I’m a person need tons and tons of personal space. So when I need space, please leave me alone until I’m ready.
She texts me again just now and saying that when I ignored her texts, she thought I’m getting depressed again or pregnant. Thanks for caring…. but no need to mention depression in my face again. Sorry, i’m depressed or being emotionally unstable is not up for discussion. The fact that she mentions it just made me feel uncomfortable. I mean, don’t both of us know what’s going on already? so no need to say it out loud for heaven sake! Even if I’m pregnant…. yes… no… I won’t tell. I just realized that I’ll keep in contact with her, but…. deep down in my heart I know who are my closest friend…. really that’s cruel for saying that… yes, I’m just being honest here~
To my wife and my best friend,
When we first met five years ago, I never thought I would be writing this. As we stood on stage in front of all of those strangers, acting our hearts out, I never once believed we would find ourselves here. We’ve come a long way.
When we first met, I’d never been truly close to a person who suffered from long-term anxiety and severe depression. They’d been merely buzzwords thrown around too many times by people who couldn’t think of another way to describe their daily frustrations.
“I think I’m going to have a panic attack.” or “Oh my gosh, I’m so depressed” became a monotonous phrase that strangers were all too happy to proclaim when the coffee shop ran out of their favorite muffin or they were forced to stay in the library a little later than normal to finish a paper instead of going to the bars with their friends. It was a signal to others they had problems and they wanted people to recognize and sympathize with their petty difficulties.
But you were different.
I never saw this monotony in you. To the contrary, you were always so bright and full of life and energy. But then, slowly, I started to see the side of you that you were so apt to hide from me and the rest of the world for fear of being found out. The multiple days where you would stay in bed, or not shower, or the days where eating a meal seemed like too much work. The times I would catch you crying and you would try to hide it in a (poor) attempt to smooth everything over.
We have now been together five years and married for nearly two of them. The time we’ve spent together has been amazing but truly defines an “emotional roller coaster.” Writing from the perspective of a husband who always likes to consider himself truly honest and, for lack of a better term, “manly,” it seemed inconceivable for me at first that there were days I couldn’t make you feel better. That I was powerless to change how you felt.
When you reached your lowest low, it was difficult for me to not take personally your statements asking me to simply let you be and that you needed to work through it on your own. That there was nothing I could do to be a better husband or companion and help your sadness and anxiety go away and that, yes, you were crying, but it was nothing I had done. At that time, I’m sad to say, your assurances fell on deaf ears.
When you reached your lowest low, you said something to me I will never be fully equipped to handle. “The only reason I’m still alive is because I couldn’t do that to you. I couldn’t kill myself only because I know how much it would hurt you.” That’s what you said. It broke my heart. In one sweeping statement, you managed to communicate exactly how much you value me and at the same time how much value you have placed on yourself. The frustration that comes with not being able to tell your depressed wife how much you love her, how each day is brighter with her in it, and instead knowing she will simply smile and not fully believe you or not realize what you’re trying to communicate is truly one of the hardest feelings I’ve ever had to overcome. In a word, I felt helpless. Leading up to our wedding and even a few months past it, I felt absolutely immobilized. I firmly believed there was nothing I could do. I felt trapped in a cycle of trying to understand your depression, to getting frustrated when it got too bad, and finally returning to wanting nothing more but to help you feel better. A truly unenviable position for any new husband.
But today is a brighter day. It is more than a one year since that day and, after numerous phone calls and quite a few tears, you have been meeting with a psychologist who has helped you (well… helped both of us) learn to deal with your depression and anxiety in a healthy, controlled way. I have learned that there will always be days when you are down. Days when you are not quite yourself. And, while some days are a struggle, I am still trying to learn that when you are unhappy, there may not be a root cause.
I know it still scares you. While your suicidal thoughts have dissipated, I know you constantly think about a day when they might reenter our lives and the home we have made. But know that this time… this time I will be ready.
When we first met, I was a foolish college boy with a tremendous crush. I was not properly equipped to handle the effects of mental illness, nor was I ready to deal with the perceived backlash I thought could only be my fault. I was ready to give in to whatever you wanted, even if those tendencies were reckless or self-destructive.
Today, I am a man. Today I am your husband.
When we first met, I thought you were different. I was right. Because despite the internal battle you fight on a daily basis, you still manage to be truly the best wife I could have ever hoped for. Despite the challenges mental illness will no doubt bring to our future, I welcome them head on. So long as we can do it together.
Your vigilant defender,
Your husband.
https://themighty.com/2016/05/husband-writes-letter-to-wife-with-depression-and-anxiety/
It can be a dark and lonely place when your loved ones don’t try to understand. Mental illness is unlike a common cold which you can shake it off and get a total recovery the next day. This journey is a never ending battle, but fight that battle only with those who is willing to understand and walk with you until the end.
I dreamed of screaming and crying like an infant that only wants acceptance and love. The feeling of relief and freedom of crying out loud in this dream is something that I want for in the reality. If only I am brave enough to allow myself crying without worrying what other think of me. How sad… how oppress… of these feelings trapped inside of me.
Why do I often feel rejected? Why do I often feel like I don’t belong here (anywhere)? The fear of being rejected kept me away from people. I found myself intentionally walking away from friends because I want to see if I’m worthy for anyone to pursue for friendship. Yet, I know that I want to be pursued but I don’t want to commit in a friendship.
Early in my teenage years to my early twenty’s, people came and gone in my life. The heart breaking of people leaving due to various reasons. I once thought I found my group of friend… maybe they never meant to stay….
I can only say that I know this loneliness is not to be filled by human. I recognize the earth is not my home, being with God is home.
I just want to be home again.
We are as awkward as we could be, and so does everyone being awkward in their own ways. None of us is perfect, nor do we all normal as we thought. We are all unique and awkward. Humanity is showing us how imperfect we are. We are just human.
sometimes I wonder since when I became so bitter
I would find all the imperfection and flaws in a person so that I can justify myself that I don’t need such a friend in my life….
“Your feelings are your own. No one can offend, or hurt you if you don’t allow them.”
This is an inward attitude toward other’s behaviour. I am not responsible for their behaviour but my own, in the same way they are not responsible for my behaviour. The message of autonomy allows me and frees me from other’s expectation, and power that controls over me. My thinkings and feelings are not the product of what “he/she says or does”. I have the power to distinguish what he/she wants and what I want. I have the power to choose the outcome of what he/she says or does toward me. I am my own government that rules within the domain of my whole being. Therefore, setting boundary to protect myself is important.
Having said that, I deal with the conflict and try not to let my thinkings and feelings ruled by what other people did to me. I still have my right to stand up for myself. See, setting boundary for my own is not contradicting in confronting the issue. I choose not to be hurt by what he/she said, it doesn’t mean that I agree with what he/she did. That is our outward behaviour. If I don’t want to hold grudges toward others, I have two choices: forget what he/she does, or confront the person with the issue in my mind.
Seeing Elly as a very proactive person, I can see that she will always stand her ground and confront when conflict occurs. I can also see that she is a person who draws clear boundaries in every area of her life. At the same time, she gives us permission to confront her if I feel hurt by what she said. I can trust that she is a woman of her words, if she says I can confront I will go talk to her when I’m offended by what she said. I imagine CCLS program is a training ground for all the ladies, I can make mistakes and know that Elly and Mary Ann will not judge me. The bottom line is that I trust their professionalism and I can learn from them.