Category Archives: Psych stuffs

Hunny, for you

Life stuffs, Psych stuffs, Sore spots, Spirituality

Hunny, you’ve been wondering what’s going on in my mind whenever we talk about me getting a job. What’s been hindering my first step and why did that organization bring such impact on my every moves.

It’s been a long journey to find my identity, to understand my personality, and to accept who I am. Ever since I was young, I always lacked of self-confidence.  I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life, except having much hatred toward my brother and parents.

God brought me back to HK to understand my family background, and under my parent’s constant pressure I had no choice but searched for job.  I said that I was under pressure because I wasn’t motivated to look for one.  I was so afraid of failure, small talk, and formal interview, I basically wanted to avoid human contacts. Working in PLK for more than year, I found myself having more confident at least interacting with children. Of course, having the affirmation from my supervisor also helped me to know that I am able.

So, what has gone wrong in between the time in PLK and that org. Maybe it’s expectation of Christians being loving and kind, accepting and gracious, discipline but not strict. I can only say that the confidence that I once found was destroyed from that place. It took so long to build up that confidence, yet it took so little time to crumble down.

The constant battle in my mind torturing myself not being the person whom God created me to be, not motivated enough to get up and search for jobs, not having enough energy to get out there to exercise, not having the energy that I want to maintain this house and take care of you, take care of your needs. Knowing that you’ve always sacrificed, and putting me first, I feel even more shameful and not worthy of it all.

The mindful battle between what I think I can do and what I don’t believe I can do. All the lies and judgement, from an evil person I considered a self-centred so called Christian…. May God show me/us the way to mend this brokenness.

Decision

Dream|Journey, Psych stuffs

Did I wonder if I made the right decision withdrawing the program? Yes, I wondered. However, as I made my decision and talked to Ms.I.J. I felt relief.

She told me that she considered I’m among the top students in the class, with great writing skills, mature, and with life experience. She think I’ll have a bright future in this field if I continue.

Now that I have this affirmation, I’m glad and contented.  It just push me more to go for the Master degree.

Classmate

Dream|Journey, Psych stuffs, Spirituality

One of my classmates was away for two days already. She is here alone with her two daughters in Canada, and apparently her daughters aren’t used to being here. My first hunch is that they are home sick and missing their friends. That left my classmate having a hard time with them, because they’re acting out. They aren’t going to bed and aren’t studying. She’s having a hard time with them, and she’s telling me that she’s going to fail this current course.

Though both of us are quiet and didn’t talk much, somehow we are connected. Maybe because she’s in my self-exploration group. Maybe because she’s away from home just arriving here in Canada three months ago. I can relate to her and sense her struggles, be it language barrier or away from home.

I sent her an email last night and greet her with blessings. I asked God in my heart if she’s going to make it through the program, and my heart somehow aches for her. But God told me to not to worry, just pray for her. I continue to pray that God has such a way to comfort her daughters, when God’s willing help her to finish this program until next August.

In Group Practice

Psych stuffs, Sore spots

We were in groups practicing counselling today. I must say that I was intimidated by a guy client. He appeared to be confident and fast thinking. He was my client and I had to counsel him in the group. While I did well with empathy, I just couldn’t get pass to get him making goals and solutions.

As I was the client making up a story to tell, it seemed that the conversation went into circle. I wondered if I made it too difficult for the counsellor, or discouraged her. As she said in the end that she wasn’t good at making empathy statement. Which was after the instructor came over and made a comment on how I was good at making empathy statement. Again, I felt I like I was among the people who are competitive, I hate that feelings. In between the counselling conversation, I commented that this is a difficult story for her to unpack. Due to the nature of the story and people that are involved. I was sharing that was my friend’s real story and how I spent a whole week with her figuring things out…. but…. they both didn’t hear or respond to anything that i said about the story, or i should say why i told that story because it made me wanted to study counselling. Anyways, sometimes i don’t get white people… or maybe they were so focus on getting everything right for being a counsellor, and make a statement right…. so my story was ignored because that doesn’t matter?

Judging

Psych stuffs, Spirituality

Sometimes I’m amazed at how much a person can and will judge another person. For things that don’t go along with one’s idea or flavours, she will judge someone because she’s not satisfied with rejection. Calling out someone being self-centred, she hits her own blind spot with seeing herself as one. The conversation is full of contradictions from beginning to the end. It’s all about herself, how she’s more mature in dealing things, having ideas for doing business, or how she sacrifice herself to do others. I found that it’s all BS when indeed she’s looking for returns of flavours.

Maybe I’m not mad when I heard her judging and complaining someone. Rather, I’m amazed at how sinful we are when we lose sight of God. Was He in the picture when she’s complaining and judging? Was he in the picture when she’s planning her new life for the next six months or so? For sure… I don’t know. He knows and He will definitely show  His heart, in His time.

Hubby and I did mention that we do not want to get into someone business unless we are asked to help. Nor did we want to state our opinion unless we are asked to speak out. There’s time for everything. Meanwhile, have some self-control and live your life like Jesus.

Hospital Visit

Health & Wellness, Psych stuffs, Spirituality

This morning I left home around 8:30 to take Ding Mama to the hospital for check up. It didn’t take longer than I anticipated since Auntie Amy was there to help. I must be honest that today I experienced many first time. I’ve never push a wheelchair before. I’ve never accompanied any one for a hospital check up before. I’ve never been so positive to cheer up a patient before. I’ve never been so active in helping people to make phone call (speaking english) before.

Today, I’ve experience many first time and I’m thankful I’m there to help.Three of us chatted and talked about many things. I learned that sometimes listening is good enough. I was being assured again that going into the counselling field is suitable to my personality. Although, I didn’t know why Auntie Amy said that. She surely told me that she could feel that I’m a good candidate for studying counselling. She must have sensed/ seen something about me, but I’m not sure what!?

I drove around after the hospital visit to pick up lunch, and also in attempt to pick up the medicine. I came to a conclusion that Ding Mama needs some one to encourage her and listen to her. While we were talking during lunch, she said she felt there was less pain with her legs. There was so much psychological stress for hospital visit, unknown medical condition for her pain, frustration of unable to walk around, the stress is definitely building up within her and magnified the pain. I’m not sure how to explain it, but chatting with her did make her felt better…. she took pain killer at 8:00am and hadn’t taken any when I left around 2:00pm. She told me that for the last few days, she took double dosage of pain killer in every 4 hours. However, the pain eased down today after the hospital visit.

This encourages me that actively listening can bring healing. This encourages me to not giving up to pursue my dream. This encourages me see beyond the listening and talking, when you focus on the patient well being. This encourages me to see what God is doing in my life and in their life. Ding Mama seems to know it’s her time to go, but God still gives her some time because of her mission on earth. She surely was urged by the spirit to preach to me and others that she cares to repent and turn back to God. Though, I’m not fully agree with going to church equals to seeking God. That’s her concept of getting closer to God, I won’t disagree that Christian need community.

Anyways, it’s an interesting day. God definitely is speaking to me and asking me to see a bigger picture as school is going to start in two weeks. I’m thankful~ I’m blessed. The Lord is with us. Amen.

postponing….

Psych stuffs, Sore spots, Spirituality

I’m not sure if “postponing” is even a right form of word. I mean I have been setting the application aside. I must admit, I’m too afraid to fail. I’m afraid of rejection of entering the program. I’m afraid if I’m accepted, I won’t be able to finish all the assignments. I’m afraid even if I can finish all the assignment, my grades won’t be good enough for me to pursue my master degree in the future. I’m afraid I can’t find a job after I finish the program. I’m afraid…. too many things…. that actually stops me from writing the application.

How silly… or I dunno….

Writing it all down, I can see I’m always fear driven. Where’s my hope? Why am I not driven by hope or anything positive? Why don’t I see the bright side of this world? I always see the dark, maybe I’m drawn to the dark…. Can I ask God to help me to see there’s hope at the end of the tunnel? Can I ask him to show me the way and help me to stay on it? Can I ask him to give me strength to walk on the path that he desires for me? Can my spirit be stronger so that I can walk on for God? Can I ask him to shine his light upon me so that dark will flee away? Can I not be afraid to think what other people think of me, and just focus what God think? Can I have a stronger desire to read his word. Can I have the determination to be a self-discipline person? Can I have desire to be self-control in everything that I do? Can I…..

Application

Dream|Journey, Psych stuffs

I’ve been writing my application for counselling program at PLBC in the last few days. Still, I haven’t finished it yet. I know I always said that I don’t have friends, but I have a few friends though. I think it’s good enough? They are very supportive when I say I’m going to study for counselling.

I can do it ! I can do it! I can do it!

 

 

Reno con’t

Journey to our home, Psych stuffs, Sore spots

We went to check out yesterday, but found that the old washer/dryer are no where in sight. They put them outside of the garage when someone came to fix the garage floor. I’m not too upset about losing the w/d; however, the thought of losing it made me feel unsafe. If they were stolen, I can’t help but thinking that someone actually drove by and took those away. Many scenarios ran through my mind… who would have going back and forth passing by our place to steal stuffs… when our side door key hole is twisted, I already thought that maybe someone came and tried to break in. No, I don’t feel safe anymore, giving my previous experience… I don’t think I will ever feel safe again…

I’m hoping to add a few surveillance cameras around the house and at each doors, security lights and all that… like i said before if ever stuffs happen at least there will be proof… I dunno… maybe I’m too worried and anxious….. sigh….

fear of rejection

Dream|Journey, Psych stuffs, Sore spots

something has stopped from finishing my application. it’s the fear that slowly and surely creeping up on me. i’m afraid of being rejected from the program. that fear stops me from sitting down and do the last bit of the video. that fear stops me from reaching out to my dream. i can’t say enough how much i think i’m incapable, how lack self-confidence to reach out that last bit of task to begin a great journey. hunny often asks what he can help me. i’m not sure if anything can help me except i can get rid of that fear in me.

besides, my mind is still bothered by the conversation with miss e. although i’m not surprised on how she’s very judgemental, she’s not the person i thought i know. maybe somehow i overlook the fact that she’s younger, should be much less mature. i dunno…