這幾年 我變得更安靜 不喜歡社交，連我最愛的逛街 我都可以pass。似乎不是每一個人都接受我這樣的改變。因為 我變得不再主動關心，不再主動說心事，所以我的“改變”別人不習慣。而我 not really that care anymore, 這一刻覺得會留下的 還是會留下。 如果你不習慣我的變， it says more about you than about me. 不願意看見我的“改變”的，謝謝你們曾經陪我走過的路。
Category Archives: Life stuffs
身外之物
有聽說過廚房是女人的 territory 嗎？我知道家人來就是想大家一起相處。我知道我的 button 在哪裡，如何容易被 push botton。 所以說 我其實很在意我的廚房，雖然 我們家的廚房很小 但是這裡是我用食物 經驗婚姻的一個管道。 本來想好我自己煮飯，用不著別人碰我的廚房。家人過來，我要放手了～ 因為知道自己會在意，所以要先提醒自己要放手。如果他們來的時候，要佔領廚房的話，我要讓一步海闊天空。不是要卑微的在旁邊，而是要照顧到全部人在一起的氣氛。希望我可以管好自己的情緒….
畢竟，祂提醒我在地上的一切都是身外之物，家裡所以的東西 物件都是虛空的。
希望我能緊緊抓住 祂 的心意，因為有 祂 的愛就有希望。
Inadequate
That’s how I feel right now. I am not making nearly enough to start saving, let alone to get a mortgage for a home.
I feel stuck. I am only at the half way point in my prerequisite program. I want to finish soon. Accounting firms seem to be wanting to hire students ready to go into the PEP (taken all prerequisites). On the other hand, because my intention to get the designation I am overqualified to be considered for most entry level accounting jobs.
May be, just may be… If I could make a little more money, all these would not be an issue.
Dear God, please help me. I feel powerless. Please pour out your spirit on me so I can be a man that honours your name, a man that upholds justice, and takes good care of his family. I need you. Amen.
it has said……
My enemy told me that I can’t be successful, I’m not able, I’m not capable. The feelings of being a failure is creeping up on me. I feel helpless, hopeless because I don’t feel adequate. I don’t know if I will be able to handle all the stress from school again. I don’t know if I’m able to handle the stress from doing the internship and practicum.
Today at class, we were supposed to get prepare for recorded interview. Which Elly gave us a list of question to get ready before the interview. She picked one of the question and then asked me to answer. Describe a situation that happened in your work place, which you were able to use persuasion to successfully convince someone to see things your way. I basically froze…. I don’t know…. I can’t even think of any situation like that…. I’m speechless….
Fear
The hidden giant is gradually catching up on me. It disturbs my thought and my plan for future. I tried to ignore it for a long time, just pretended it was not there. God is bigger, isn’t He? I thought He is the ultimate power of everything, I never doubt it. How do I make sense of my reality with God in this picture? How do I reconcile the dilemma of having this hidden giant and God in my life?
It is everywhere, outside and inside of me, just like God is already outside and inside of me. Fear got the best of me, when I am not focusing on my spirituality. It has me wonder all the unknowns and dangers of my future. I am afraid. I am afraid of losing someone that I love the most. I felt like they are my only anchor on this earth. What if….? What if……..? The hidden giant will always allure me into this scary unknown world.
I think it is time to change the scripts inside my mind. Applying what I have learned from CCLS, it is time to make a change. Change for better, change for good, change because of God the almighty inside of me.
“I will try my best to talk to professor at ACTS, understand the admission requirement, and do everything I can to get the prerequisite courses in order to get into the program.”
“I will be more initiative when I have questions, ask the right question with the right person, never procrastinate when I have uncertainty to pursue my dream in counselling.”
“Instead of feeling incapable of getting into Master program, I will study hard, and use the best of my time in studying and doing house chores.”
“I need to focus on what I really what and what God really want for me. If buying our own place is not happening anytime soon, I will leave it to God and have Him guide our way.”
“Instead of looking here and there for part-time job to earn money, I will focus and find a way to pursue my dream, even when I need to stay unchanged as in working with Chang’s for picking their child.”
“Instead of feeling scared of losing my husband, because of fear of the unknown, I will show him love and affection as much as always as he needs and as I want.”
Your feelings are your own
“Your feelings are your own. No one can offend, or hurt you if you don’t allow them.”
This is an inward attitude toward other’s behaviour. I am not responsible for their behaviour but my own, in the same way they are not responsible for my behaviour. The message of autonomy allows me and frees me from other’s expectation, and power that controls over me. My thinkings and feelings are not the product of what “he/she says or does”. I have the power to distinguish what he/she wants and what I want. I have the power to choose the outcome of what he/she says or does toward me. I am my own government that rules within the domain of my whole being. Therefore, setting boundary to protect myself is important.
Having said that, I deal with the conflict and try not to let my thinkings and feelings ruled by what other people did to me. I still have my right to stand up for myself. See, setting boundary for my own is not contradicting in confronting the issue. I choose not to be hurt by what he/she said, it doesn’t mean that I agree with what he/she did. That is our outward behaviour. If I don’t want to hold grudges toward others, I have two choices: forget what he/she does, or confront the person with the issue in my mind.
Seeing Elly as a very proactive person, I can see that she will always stand her ground and confront when conflict occurs. I can also see that she is a person who draws clear boundaries in every area of her life. At the same time, she gives us permission to confront her if I feel hurt by what she said. I can trust that she is a woman of her words, if she says I can confront I will go talk to her when I’m offended by what she said. I imagine CCLS program is a training ground for all the ladies, I can make mistakes and know that Elly and Mary Ann will not judge me. The bottom line is that I trust their professionalism and I can learn from them.
Moving On
I had a chat with Mr. N today, and I have told him my intentions to start actively look for jobs in an accounting firm. There were mixed emotions, but the most prominent one was sadness. The sadness came from the thought of separation – it’s the people I’ve spent time to build relationship with. Although I am sure that these relationships will continue at a personal level, I am still saddened because I feel emotionally tied to the school – the school that I found God, good mentors and lasting friends.
So, that first step was taken. Now to take the next. May God be gracious to me and grant me insight.
Lead Me (Sanctus Real)
I look around and see my wonderful life
Almost perfect from the outside
In picture frames I see my beautiful wife
Always smiling
But on the inside, I can hear her saying…“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can’t
Don’t leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, what about us?Show me you’re willing to fight
That I’m still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”I see their faces, look in their innocent eyes
They’re just children from the outside
I’m working hard, I tell myself they’ll be fine
They’re in independent
But on the inside, I can hear them saying…“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can’t
Don’t leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, but what about us?Show me you’re willing to fight
That I’m still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”So Father, give me the strength
To be everything I’m called to be
Oh, Father, show me the way
To lead them
Won’t You lead me?To lead them with strong hands
To stand up when they can’t
Don’t want to leave them hungry for love,
Chasing things that I could give upI’ll show them I’m willing to fight
And give them the best of my life
So we can call this our home
Lead me, ’cause I can’t do this aloneFather, lead me, ’cause I can’t do this alone
Counselor
A compassionate heart looks at other’s brokenness with love and acceptance. There is no judging or criticizing at smaller details, but gaze over to the bigger picture. It is a challenge to dig deeper and ask the right question at the right time.
Seeing Chiang’s family situation, I am urged to listen to their stories. God is stirring up my heart and prepare me for something I have been afraid of doing. Counsellor, I’m afraid to be one because I believe I can’t do it. I somehow believed that I’m not capable to listen, to wrestle with information, and to solve problems.
Now that my heart is stirred, it became restless unless I do something about it….
CCLS – Focus. Moving Forward
This is the third week since this program started. I have already learned a lot about myself through doing four personality assessment tests. I never thought that I’m a thinker, a person who analyzes …. such and such….
Mission Statement For Career
I’ve found this statement which I wrote in 2006. I remember I took a career planning course in my last year in Trinity, and the statement is this:
“The mission of people helper,
as a follower of Jesus Christ,
comfort the weary,
counsel the broken heart,
touch the poor and needy;
with passion and compassionate heart,
to serve and empower others,
and to witness the power of gospel
through interactions with one another.”