Category Archives: Life stuffs

逃避

Life stuffs, Work Stuff

這幾天在追劇是為了逃避不想面對明天。今天收到留在公司的個人物品寄回來了，有如被現實狠狠地在臉上揍了一拳，忽然人變清醒要認清被解僱的事實。

我覺得好迷失，好像又回到2019年開始工作之前的狀況。好無奈，現實就是如此的殘酷。好真實，卻又無法面對。好想逃避，但知道這不能一輩子下去。

每次

Life stuffs, Work Stuff

每一次覺得自信被建立了，有一個突發狀況把我打垮

每一次突發狀況在我身上，都是別人第一次遇到

算是人生不同的經歷吧

希望我可以堅強些

但是覺得好累

好好生活 給家人好的生活 應該是我的動力吧

還是覺得有心無力

我。。。迷失了

insecurity

Life stuffs, Uncategorized

I started working on Feb 25, and it’s been almost two months now. Working among Canadian, I sometime feel like I’m out of place because of my lack of response. Most of the time I’m not sure how to react or what is appropriate to say…. sometimes I feel like an idiot just nodding and smiling….

Then, I got to meet hubby’s coworkers…. still feeling the same …. not able engaging in small talks…. nothing much to say…. and sometimes feel insecure because most of them are working in the upper level positions…. I feel inadequate or even less intelligent because I ‘m working in the lower level job.

Sometimes I’m afraid other more intelligent and attractive women around hubby. I know…. maybe my fear overtook my confidence in him…. I trust that hubby is solid rock when it comes to temptation….. but I don’t know why I’m afraid…. I just don’t know why….

in the process

Dream|Journey, Life stuffs, Sore spots, Spirituality

I didn’t receive email for lifting 10kg material test before Dec 2. At first CRA staff would like another reference send in, besides Mr. N already sent one. I was then asking Dr. D to be my reference. The whole process was stressful, as I somehow didn’t believe that people in authority would want to help me. As much as I wanted to believe them, knowing that they’re faithful servant of God, deep down in my heart I distrusted them. Maybe I didn’t believe in myself, or thinking I wasn’t worthy of being help?

Fast forward to another week, got an email on Dec 3 for another questionnaire. This time is more prominent, as it seems the email has particularly indicate the position is for Surrey location. The questionnaire expire on Dec 7, which means I might have to wait another week to be contacted for the heavy lifting test.

I believe God knows every single details in my life, also what’s going on in my body. I can’t believe I walked into Florie while she was having a free 15mins in her clinic. That rarely happened to her, but she decided to give me a scan as I mentioned my stomach wasn’t well every time I ate. It turned out I had been eating too much carbs and my stomach and whole body became very acidic, which is a growing ground for fungus. She gave me some new drops to treat fungus and wanted me to go in to see her asap.

I was on the cancelation list, but to my surprise I got in to see her a week after. Again, if it’s not God’s hand moving me into that direction, I don’t know when I will be able to see Florie. I’m slowing getting better with my stomach. I was very concerned with my heart, as it was pounding heavily. Florie pointed out it was anxiety, more likely related to my emotional stress. I was a bit relief knowing it’s not a heart problem.

God has been faithful, always is and always will. I casually told him that if I ever get the CRA job, I’ll start going back to church. I think he reminded me that I don’t need to bargain with him. Our relationship isn’t like that at all, his love for me doesn’t base on how often I go to church. I have a deeply assurance that my relationship with him has never changed, even when I feel distant to him sometimes. If anything, this relationship will only grow stronger and better. Thank you Lord~

Nervous/Exciting

Dream|Journey, Life stuffs, Sore spots

The long wait had been gone, I finally decided to apply for a job.  Though I must say i didn’t work hard to find one at all, this opportunity to pursuit one is here.  Who knows if this is what God has in mind, I just knew that this opportunity seems too easy to come by.  I’ve been feeling stressed and nervous since I found out I’ll be taking the exam and having the interview on Oct 27th.

I’m stressed and nervous because I feel like this is my chance to prove that I am able.  Is this God’s given chance to prove that I am still capable to do well in exams, speak english in a cohesive and logic way to express myself. Am I able to do this job? I want to prove that I can and I want to grab this opportunity so that I can see my worth.

I also want to start to work so that I can help ease the load on Hubby’s shoulder.  He has been working so hard to support our family. Yet, I’m doing nothing, and I wanted a change…. I want to work hard together with hubby to pursuit our goals, and to travel around the world.

As much as I wanted to get this job, I need to lay it all down to Him. If He’s willing…

May Your will be done, amen.

抵抗力

Life stuffs

身體抵抗力低，讓我覺得好困擾。 尤其今年已經第二次嘴唇疑似長 cold sore 的狀況，這幾天嘴唇也是刺痛。我想從現在開始要好好照顧自己身體了， 也許要乖乖地早點睡覺。

不知道為什麼再次長 cold sore， 這次會影響心情 灰灰的。

Bunny is here

Fun stuffs, Life stuffs

We’ve noticed a bunny living under our plum tree since the weather is getting warmer. It seems like he make himself home in our back yard.

I have always wanted to get a bunny, but I didn’t want the responsibility to take care one. I know that they have shorter lifespan, and medical expense can get super high.

I love seeing him every morning. Although I asked him to leave once, I guess if our home is safe for him he’s welcome to stay. As long as Oki doesn’t hurt him, I’m good even if he eats all my flowers @_@”

Oki off the street

Journey to our home, Life stuffs

Postman came and I had to pay for the parcel. Since last time he commented about Oki was well behave, I thought I should let him out to say hi this time. Oki was sniffing and wagging his tail, next thing I know he was running off to the street. Postman casually said that it’s okay, just let him out, but also said go out your leash. I got him at last in front of our driveway.

The frightening feeling didn’t kick in until I check our driveway camera. Oki actually ran all the way to the other side of the street to greet the man who was walking his dog. The clip skipped a bit, I’m not sure anything happened in between. Then he was under the street light pole, where I got him back to the house.

It was scary checking the clip which there was car passing by.

I’m angry at myself not being careful enough to keep him within distance.

I’m angry at myself not training him enough to listen to the command.

There’re lots of “what if….”

my heart is still pounding of this heavy feelings …

because if anything happens

it’s all because of my fault….

Hunny, for you

Life stuffs, Psych stuffs, Sore spots, Spirituality

Hunny, you’ve been wondering what’s going on in my mind whenever we talk about me getting a job. What’s been hindering my first step and why did that organization bring such impact on my every moves.

It’s been a long journey to find my identity, to understand my personality, and to accept who I am. Ever since I was young, I always lacked of self-confidence.  I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life, except having much hatred toward my brother and parents.

God brought me back to HK to understand my family background, and under my parent’s constant pressure I had no choice but searched for job.  I said that I was under pressure because I wasn’t motivated to look for one.  I was so afraid of failure, small talk, and formal interview, I basically wanted to avoid human contacts. Working in PLK for more than year, I found myself having more confident at least interacting with children. Of course, having the affirmation from my supervisor also helped me to know that I am able.

So, what has gone wrong in between the time in PLK and that org. Maybe it’s expectation of Christians being loving and kind, accepting and gracious, discipline but not strict. I can only say that the confidence that I once found was destroyed from that place. It took so long to build up that confidence, yet it took so little time to crumble down.

The constant battle in my mind torturing myself not being the person whom God created me to be, not motivated enough to get up and search for jobs, not having enough energy to get out there to exercise, not having the energy that I want to maintain this house and take care of you, take care of your needs. Knowing that you’ve always sacrificed, and putting me first, I feel even more shameful and not worthy of it all.

The mindful battle between what I think I can do and what I don’t believe I can do. All the lies and judgement, from an evil person I considered a self-centred so called Christian…. May God show me/us the way to mend this brokenness.