Life is full of regrets and resentment, it is not always perfect as much as we wanted. Looking back I see things that I have done wrong, I might not want to do anything about it yet. However, there is one thing that I am still very content is to love the man that would never let me go. I see him became stronger everyday, stepping up the role to be a better husband and the pillar of this household. I’m thankful that he is who he is, and only gets better of his own version in Christ.

As we are moving forward, the next chapter of being a adult. We have to decide the location, budget, and preference for our new home. I honestly don’t have patience with this, I just want it to be done with as soon as possible. The strength of our relationship comes from our differences, hubby is the patience, rational, and logical one. No one would like to rush into a decision in buying a house, and we are talking about half a million home.

I’m still learning to be quiet before God. It has been difficult to listen to his voice. The bible hasn’t been opened for a long time. I’m so neglect to reach to that bookshelf. My heart has been cold for him. I want to pursue him again, but I found myself lacking motivation. I hate the word “passion” because it reminds me to something in the past. Still, I must admit I lost the passion for God. I don’t know what to do…

The hidden giant is gradually catching up on me. It disturbs my thought and my plan for future. I tried to ignore it for a long time, just pretended it was not there. God is bigger, isn’t He? I thought He is the ultimate power of everything, I never doubt it. How do I make sense of my reality with God in this picture? How do I reconcile the dilemma of having this hidden giant and God in my life?

It is everywhere, outside and inside of me, just like God is already outside and inside of me. Fear got the best of me, when I am not focusing on my spirituality. It has me wonder all the unknowns and dangers of my future. I am afraid. I am afraid of losing someone that I love the most. I felt like they are my only anchor on this earth. What if….? What if……..? The hidden giant will always allure me into this scary unknown world.

I think it is time to change the scripts inside my mind. Applying what I have learned from CCLS, it is time to make a change. Change for better, change for good, change because of God the almighty inside of me.

“I will try my best to talk to professor at ACTS, understand the admission requirement, and do everything I can to get the prerequisite courses in order to get into the program.”

“I will be more initiative when I have questions, ask the right question with the right person, never procrastinate when I have uncertainty to pursue my dream in counselling.”

“Instead of feeling incapable of getting into Master program, I will study hard, and use the best of my time in studying and doing house chores.”

“I need to focus on what I really what and what God really want for me. If buying our own place is not happening anytime soon, I will leave it to God and have Him guide our way.”

“Instead of looking here and there for part-time job to earn money, I will focus and find a way to pursue my dream, even when I need to stay unchanged as in working with Chang’s for picking their child.”

“Instead of feeling scared of losing my husband, because of fear of the unknown, I will show him love and affection as much as always as he needs and as I want.”