Ever since he was born I had a hard time changing his diaper, especially poopy diaper. I can’t stand the smell and definitely can’t stand the sight of it. Once in awhile when I thought I could do it, I would help him to get change. Today, I thought I could do it while hunny was in bathroom.

It was smelly, ok I could still stand it…. I started to wipe it away, he decided it was fun to turn, twist, sit and stand while poo poo still sticking on his butt. I got very frustrated and immediately felt the horror arising from within….. I couldn’t stand the thought of poo poo smearing everywhere….. as he struggled to stay and turned away, I started to scream. I wasn’t screaming at him, I was screaming at the mess…. I’m not sure if he could tell the different. I was already having a melt down right there…. I’m not sure what I would do if hunny didn’t come to rescue us.

I feel horrible about the screaming…. again I wasn’t screaming at him, but I was screaming. I felt helpless, incompetent, losing control, fear of messiness….. I couldn’t speak or do anything after that for awhile, I needed to calm down because of how terrible I felt as a mother, supposingly a caregiver. I felt like a failure, I failed to take care of his basic needs. I felt terrible of the screaming, how I couldn’t care anyone anything anymore to stop myself from having this anxiety.

When I finally calmed down, and met him in the tv room. He gave me this blank stare I have never seen before. I told myself to clam down and approached him. He immediately looked away, as if he was scared to see me. My heart was broken, and I started to tell him that mommy was sorry…. and tear started rolling down my cheek. I think he could tell that I’m different and didn’t know how to act. He continued to look away….I sat down in the couch and sob and sob and sob….because I don’t know what else I could do…. the guilt in me…. I can’t take away the screaming, my own voice, out of my head……