I am not as good as I thought
I am imperfect, full of brokenness and in need of grace
“Hear my cry, O God, listen to my prayer; from the end of the earth I call to you when my heart is faint. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I, for you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the enemy. Let me dwell in your tent forever! Let me take refuge under the shelter of your wings! Selah”
Psalm 61:1-4
I am not a perfect husband, father and son. In Christ I am made whole
Lord, please help me
That is all 🥰
After about a year and a half of looking, sending resume, interviewing, and waiting, the CRA has offered me an entry level audit position. Although this is a contract position, I was assured that with the increased budget, it is highly likely that the agency will offer permanent positions fairly quickly.
PLBC has been a great place to work at. Yes, there are many areas that can seriously use some improvements, but all in all, the work is meaningful. Nothing beats working with a great supervisor.
I pray that as PLBC continues on its path to accreditation, it will also grow in maturity – in its policies, procedures, and internal communication. I pray that I will be the salt and light at the CRA – be professional, integral, and personable.
I don’t really know what happened this morning. I think I was confused. At one point I asked if hunny wanted coffee and breakie and she said yes. I made breakfast and all of a sudden hunny was unhappy. I found out that her lower back was hurting but somehow the conversation turned into how I go into work late in the morning. Later she explained that she thought I had class so it would be better if I went to work earlier and would get home earlier. I have clarified that I don’t have a class tonight. Then that conversation has remained stuck in taking about me going into work late.
Then I was going to write to Mr. N to let him know I wasn’t coming into work so I could be with hunny and go to see Florie with her. She wouldn’t let me.
I am still confused. I think I have been trying to make an effort to not be a workaholic. Hunny wasn’t happy about me having to lock up once in a while. I know I don’t have to, and I can probably leave at 4:45 everyday to avoid having to lock up, but isn’t that taking it to an extreme? I don’t understand why locking up once in a while is a problem… It’s just a part of being an office staff.
But then again, may be I am upset because I can’t find a balance between the two. I don’t want to be an absent husband, and I don’t want to be a workaholic. I pray that God can help me find the balance.
This is one of those nights where it is so hot in the bedroom that I woke up to cool off. This doesn’t happen very often but because of how our suite is laid out, there is only a small window in the bedroom. This is also when I feel that we really need to live above ground – better sleep, better for our health, increased comfort are a few advantages I can think of right now.
If money was not a concern, I would prefer a smaller detached SFH over row/townhomes. something around 2000-2500 square feet would be ideal. A yard would be great on a 1/4 acre lot. Besides the 3-4 bedrooms, a small room for my trains would be nice as well.
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I talked to Mr. N a bit today about some deficiencies I see that some departments have in managing their budget. I guess at the end of the day it is not about the actual finance but the attitude/priorities set by various departments.
The finance department have an oversight over all things financial. When I say oversight I do mean it – we do not micro manage for various departments (at least we try not to). The department heads, on the other hand, should keep better records when it comes to their budgets, especially when certain people have their own credit cards. Is it really that difficult for these tech-savvy people to get on online banking and checking their own transactions? When they sign off on purchases do they not keep a mental note of what they are spending?
We need policies and clear procedures – the sooner the better…
That’s how I feel right now. I am not making nearly enough to start saving, let alone to get a mortgage for a home.
I feel stuck. I am only at the half way point in my prerequisite program. I want to finish soon. Accounting firms seem to be wanting to hire students ready to go into the PEP (taken all prerequisites). On the other hand, because my intention to get the designation I am overqualified to be considered for most entry level accounting jobs.
May be, just may be… If I could make a little more money, all these would not be an issue.
Dear God, please help me. I feel powerless. Please pour out your spirit on me so I can be a man that honours your name, a man that upholds justice, and takes good care of his family. I need you. Amen.
I had a chat with Mr. N today, and I have told him my intentions to start actively look for jobs in an accounting firm. There were mixed emotions, but the most prominent one was sadness. The sadness came from the thought of separation – it’s the people I’ve spent time to build relationship with. Although I am sure that these relationships will continue at a personal level, I am still saddened because I feel emotionally tied to the school – the school that I found God, good mentors and lasting friends.
So, that first step was taken. Now to take the next. May God be gracious to me and grant me insight.
Lead Me (Sanctus Real)
I look around and see my wonderful life
Almost perfect from the outside
In picture frames I see my beautiful wife
Always smiling
But on the inside, I can hear her saying…“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can’t
Don’t leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, what about us?Show me you’re willing to fight
That I’m still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”I see their faces, look in their innocent eyes
They’re just children from the outside
I’m working hard, I tell myself they’ll be fine
They’re in independent
But on the inside, I can hear them saying…“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can’t
Don’t leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, but what about us?Show me you’re willing to fight
That I’m still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”So Father, give me the strength
To be everything I’m called to be
Oh, Father, show me the way
To lead them
Won’t You lead me?To lead them with strong hands
To stand up when they can’t
Don’t want to leave them hungry for love,
Chasing things that I could give upI’ll show them I’m willing to fight
And give them the best of my life
So we can call this our home
Lead me, ’cause I can’t do this aloneFather, lead me, ’cause I can’t do this alone