I’m not sure why Mr.N’s reference doesn’t work ….
still haven’t heard back from Dr.D….
I thought I’m ready to work, earn money, lighten the load of Hunny….
I don’t know what’s in the mind of God….
I’m confused….
I’m nervous….
I’m anxious…
my soul is restless….
The long wait had been gone, I finally decided to apply for a job. Though I must say i didn’t work hard to find one at all, this opportunity to pursuit one is here. Who knows if this is what God has in mind, I just knew that this opportunity seems too easy to come by. I’ve been feeling stressed and nervous since I found out I’ll be taking the exam and having the interview on Oct 27th.
I’m stressed and nervous because I feel like this is my chance to prove that I am able. Is this God’s given chance to prove that I am still capable to do well in exams, speak english in a cohesive and logic way to express myself. Am I able to do this job? I want to prove that I can and I want to grab this opportunity so that I can see my worth.
I also want to start to work so that I can help ease the load on Hubby’s shoulder. He has been working so hard to support our family. Yet, I’m doing nothing, and I wanted a change…. I want to work hard together with hubby to pursuit our goals, and to travel around the world.
As much as I wanted to get this job, I need to lay it all down to Him. If He’s willing…
May Your will be done, amen.
每個晚上總緊緊看著睡著的你，彷彿是每天僅有看到你的時間。每天心裡都有很多說不完的話想對你說，卻看見你疲倦的雙眼時我開不了口。
今晚想緊緊抱著熟睡的你，想抱你，親你， 你無意識之間一手把我推開了。
我這時心隱隱地痛，眼淚不聽話的一直流，想起以前你會抱著我緊緊地入睡。多晚都會陪我聊天，等我睡覺。
如果可以從來，我寧願沒有房子，沒有狗，沒有房貸，兩人生活輕鬆的日子⋯
When I was single, there was always a picture in my mind. I will be on the stage leading worship and my future husband will be playing music for me since I can’t play instruments while singing. That had been my dream, and I will say it is still my dream.
Every time I listen to worship music, this long lost dream will pop up again.
Today, as I was listening to Hillsong music, this had me thinking if I would ever go back to lead worship one day. Are we wasting God’s given talent not serving him? I know serving is not about standing on stage…. but what if my call is to lead worship on stage? Will my husband serve with me, my hubby who is my support, my biggest cheerleader, my musical director?
I love singing, but I’m so afraid to stand in front of people. I love singing, but I’m very afraid to make mistakes. I love singing, but I’m afraid I would sound very bad…. maybe fear has conquered me once again and dreams are killed. Will God revive in me what seems to be lost?
身體抵抗力低，讓我覺得好困擾。 尤其今年已經第二次嘴唇疑似長 cold sore 的狀況，這幾天嘴唇也是刺痛。我想從現在開始要好好照顧自己身體了， 也許要乖乖地早點睡覺。
不知道為什麼再次長 cold sore， 這次會影響心情 灰灰的。
We’ve noticed a bunny living under our plum tree since the weather is getting warmer. It seems like he make himself home in our back yard.
I have always wanted to get a bunny, but I didn’t want the responsibility to take care one. I know that they have shorter lifespan, and medical expense can get super high.
I love seeing him every morning. Although I asked him to leave once, I guess if our home is safe for him he’s welcome to stay. As long as Oki doesn’t hurt him, I’m good even if he eats all my flowers @_@”
Postman came and I had to pay for the parcel. Since last time he commented about Oki was well behave, I thought I should let him out to say hi this time. Oki was sniffing and wagging his tail, next thing I know he was running off to the street. Postman casually said that it’s okay, just let him out, but also said go out your leash. I got him at last in front of our driveway.
The frightening feeling didn’t kick in until I check our driveway camera. Oki actually ran all the way to the other side of the street to greet the man who was walking his dog. The clip skipped a bit, I’m not sure anything happened in between. Then he was under the street light pole, where I got him back to the house.
It was scary checking the clip which there was car passing by.
I’m angry at myself not being careful enough to keep him within distance.
I’m angry at myself not training him enough to listen to the command.
There’re lots of “what if….”
my heart is still pounding of this heavy feelings …
because if anything happens
it’s all because of my fault….
Hunny, you’ve been wondering what’s going on in my mind whenever we talk about me getting a job. What’s been hindering my first step and why did that organization bring such impact on my every moves.
It’s been a long journey to find my identity, to understand my personality, and to accept who I am. Ever since I was young, I always lacked of self-confidence. I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life, except having much hatred toward my brother and parents.
God brought me back to HK to understand my family background, and under my parent’s constant pressure I had no choice but searched for job. I said that I was under pressure because I wasn’t motivated to look for one. I was so afraid of failure, small talk, and formal interview, I basically wanted to avoid human contacts. Working in PLK for more than year, I found myself having more confident at least interacting with children. Of course, having the affirmation from my supervisor also helped me to know that I am able.
So, what has gone wrong in between the time in PLK and that org. Maybe it’s expectation of Christians being loving and kind, accepting and gracious, discipline but not strict. I can only say that the confidence that I once found was destroyed from that place. It took so long to build up that confidence, yet it took so little time to crumble down.
The constant battle in my mind torturing myself not being the person whom God created me to be, not motivated enough to get up and search for jobs, not having enough energy to get out there to exercise, not having the energy that I want to maintain this house and take care of you, take care of your needs. Knowing that you’ve always sacrificed, and putting me first, I feel even more shameful and not worthy of it all.
The mindful battle between what I think I can do and what I don’t believe I can do. All the lies and judgement, from an evil person I considered a self-centred so called Christian…. May God show me/us the way to mend this brokenness.
I know I’ve never told you why I’m so neglect in applying for a job. It’s because my mind is set in taking care of mom and dad while they’re here. I can already feel the stress, and knowing what mom will probably nag me about in getting a job.
Yet, I want to spend time with them while I can. I can’t help but having watery eyes every time the thought of they’re getting older and will leave me one day. I think it’s even less than half of my life time I’m by their side, It seems I’m always in Canada.
And the more I think of taking care of them, the more I feel stress because nothing can happen without money.
The thought of going to work is kinda screw up my mind. I’m so afraid of meeting nasty people, nasty leaders, nasty boss….. I can say that I’m pretty anti social now, I must admit I’m not fond of the idea of meeting people.
Again, reality is reality. I hate to talk about money… but reality is I need to work to get more money.
I have a lot of “what if” in my mind…. anyways….
As I was looking at your face, I felt that there should be more that I could be doing to ease your burden.
It hurts me to see that you carry all the burdens, which mainly about money, and yet you would never complaint.
I’m thankful, hubby!
You’ve shown me unconditional love and acceptance.
You’ve loved me, more than I’ve ever imagined.
Few months before we started to date, God woke me up one morning. It was 4am and I was fully awake. Holy Spirit promoted me to pray for my future husband. He showed me that I had significant insecurity about marriage. Today, I can say that I was clearly reminded by God at that moment. He said whomever that I would be with in the future, always trust that he loves me and don’t ever doubt it.
God has shown me faithful and his words are true.
You’ve always loved me, even when I have doubt.
You’ve always shown me love, even when I act selfishly.
You’re a God sent husband, truly a gift from God more than I ever deserved.
Thank you, Hubby, for being with me, loving me, showing me what love is.
I pray that everyday I’ll be a better wife than yesterday to you, and to you only.
I love you~