Got the final letter, I was being let go from RMO. Such a sad day, when the reality hits hard like this. How I felt like I could hid in this comfort zone forever, but no more.
All posts by Miso
who am i
who am i
I am merely existing
I don’t feel like being a mother
I don’t feel like a wife anymore
we are merely existing in this same place
no more talking
no more walking
life has no meaning
no more praying together
what is life
it’s only with tiredness and lonliness
who am i
I am merely existing
I hate it all
Sometime I wonder … to have your body broken, your heart broken, your soul and mind broken if it is worthy to have a child. The messed up emotions, and hormones and unending tiredness… does it worth it. This broken body isn’t the same as it used to, I’m no longer strong enough to move stuffs by myself. I hate needing somebody to help, I hate I need to ask, i hate to see people not doing things my way, I hate to see things not done like how I imagine… just because I have a child, I have a broken body, and I can’t do stuffs myself. Gosh, I hate myself not strong enough.
Just a little touch
The little body, that little peanut, touched the deepest part of my heart. It’s not even nearly closed to compare to the Father’s heart. But I’m touched in a way I’ve never imagined before. It’s not because I cried every time I thought of my baby. I found a new love that I’m not familiar, and that I’ve never known I have such compacity to extend to another soul.
Hubby always demonstrates how selfless he is to me and to our family. He has been an anchor to my whole being. He has been strong when I went through this difficult pregnancy. Every time I felt broken, he was there to support me. He carried my every broken pieces, and told me everything will be okay. He mended my brokenness by walking with me and showing me unconditional love.
I don’t want to feel hopeless, but I can’t control my tears. Is that a tear of joy or sadness? Is that just short period of baby blue? I don’t feel depressed, I know I have family and friends to support me. I hope to walk out of this blues, and become a stronger mom to Josiah. Even when I don’t feel the connection with him yet. I miss the bonding time with him when he’s in hospital.
May I say that I feel scared to connect/ bond with him somehow? I don’t know why I feel that way. I love this little peanut! Maybe I’m afraid that one day I’ll lose him…? I’m afraid to imagine the day he comes home now. I can’t get that picture in my mind, because everything is unknown at this moment. I understand he only has feeding issue and is already getting better. However, I’m afraid to think the positive.
Lord, shine your new light in me so I may see. The purpose you have in me, a new role that you have designed for my life. Strength my soul as I walk this walk on earth. Give me eyes to see your heavenly design in our lives, our family, our child, our love for each other. You’ve touched us in a whole new way, with new life that a human being is given right in front of us. Thank you Lord for making us parents to this precious child, Josiah.
Renewal of Spiritual Journey
The renewal of spiritual journey starts with new life. The coming of baby Josiah has reminded me the grace of God. Oh how inadequate am I to claim that I have faith in God. I have such little faith to believe that He is my saviour, he is my healer. Yet, we chose his name, Josiah, the healing of God. Every time I felt scared, guilty, or broken, He reminded me the meaning of my baby’s name.
I’ve witnessed healing among other people, that lady in wheelchair got healed and started to walk. When I look at my son, I feel helpless and hopeless. I’ve forgotten what He can do or what He has already done. Yet, I’m reminded again and again, He is the healer.
I expected this is a longer journey to see Josiah to grow into a strong body, and strong mind when he grows older. I have such little faith to see the future. Now, I see that He is walking with us, we are not alone. We were never alone, He is here, and He will be with us.
Revive us oh God! Remind us daily Your grace and mercy. We need you oh Lord~ Strengthen our mind and soul so we may continue to walk undivided.
What A Beautiful Name
You were the Word at the beginning
One With God the Lord Most High
Your hidden glory in creation
Now revealed in You our Christ What a beautiful Name it is
What a beautiful Name it is
The Name of Jesus Christ my King What a beautiful Name it is
Nothing compares to this
What a beautiful Name it is
The Name of JesusYou didn’t want heaven without us
So Jesus, You brought heaven down
My sin was great, Your love was greater
What could separate us now What a wonderful Name it is
What a wonderful Name it is
The Name of Jesus Christ my King What a wonderful Name it is
Nothing compares to this
What a wonderful Name it is
The Name of Jesus
What a wonderful Name it is
The Name of Jesus How sweet is your name, Lord, how good You are
Love to sing in the name of the Lord, love…
Baby Josiah,
You are chosen to be a son of our Heavenly Father. You are created to be a blessings to many. There’s a promise for you to fulfill what God has in mind for you on earth. You’ll be strong in mind and in body. There’s no more fear of you not being born nor born in disability. You’ll be strong in keeping high standard of moral and integrity. God says, you are His, you are His son. Your parents are on earth to equip you, teach you to walk in His way. No one owns you, you belong to God and God only.
The health of our baby
It’s mentally stressful. I don’t know if I can take another 5 weeks. And then to find out as he grows up, if he has any developmental issues…. it’s a torture….. how do I put trust in God and still remain peaceful…. it’s so hard
Pregnancy/Hormone/Emotions
Pregnancy is a journey that I’ve never dreamt of. I was afraid of thinking to be a mother, the responsibility of raising up a child was too much for me to start to think.
God must have another thought on that, me being a mother. Back to the Thanksgiving long weekend in 2019, I was staying home alone when Hunny went to work. The prompting of the Holy Spirit urged me to sit down and play the piano once again. As I was playing the piano, I sensed that God was asking if I’m willing to have this child with hubby. I knew I was being selfish not wanting to have a child because of fear and uncertainty. I couldn’t say no any longer, because I knew how he wanted children.
Fast forward the past few months, I’m 28+3 today. Hormone is a little crazy lately, so are my blood pressure and weight. I don’t usually concern with my bp and weight, it is what it is, I just need to watch for it when I was still by myself. It’s different today with another human being inside my body, I couldn’t just eat whatever. I definitely don’t want to bring him any harm because of my lack of self-control with my eating.
I’m scared and worried that I will harm baby in any way with lacking exercise and eating whatever. I worry when I don’t feel him moving or when I feel my bp is rising. I worry that I gain too much weight and that affects baby, and he might be gaining too much weight and got too big to deliver with natural birth. I worry that I won’t love him or giving him attention because I don’t feel healthy, having any energy, or whatever…
I got worrisome when thinking that I’m not goo enough to be a mother. And I project that fear onto hubby, saying that he might not know how to take care of a child because he doesn’t take care of Oki the way I wanted.
I cried every time I thought of what I said to hubby, because I know that I’m wrong. I was being mean and hurtful to say what I said to him. Deep down in my heart, I know he will be an amazing dad, but I don’t believe that I’ll be a good mom at all. I’m tired of myself of feeling tired and doing nothing at home. I’m not productive and I’m not doing any household chores…. I feel useless…. and I’m not motivated to do anything… sometimes I wonder if I’m depressed… but i don’t know…. maybe it’s just a beginning …. or it’s just hormone messing up with me.
insecurity
I started working on Feb 25, and it’s been almost two months now. Working among Canadian, I sometime feel like I’m out of place because of my lack of response. Most of the time I’m not sure how to react or what is appropriate to say…. sometimes I feel like an idiot just nodding and smiling….
Then, I got to meet hubby’s coworkers…. still feeling the same …. not able engaging in small talks…. nothing much to say…. and sometimes feel insecure because most of them are working in the upper level positions…. I feel inadequate or even less intelligent because I ‘m working in the lower level job.
Sometimes I’m afraid other more intelligent and attractive women around hubby. I know…. maybe my fear overtook my confidence in him…. I trust that hubby is solid rock when it comes to temptation….. but I don’t know why I’m afraid…. I just don’t know why….
in the process
I didn’t receive email for lifting 10kg material test before Dec 2. At first CRA staff would like another reference send in, besides Mr. N already sent one. I was then asking Dr. D to be my reference. The whole process was stressful, as I somehow didn’t believe that people in authority would want to help me. As much as I wanted to believe them, knowing that they’re faithful servant of God, deep down in my heart I distrusted them. Maybe I didn’t believe in myself, or thinking I wasn’t worthy of being help?
Fast forward to another week, got an email on Dec 3 for another questionnaire. This time is more prominent, as it seems the email has particularly indicate the position is for Surrey location. The questionnaire expire on Dec 7, which means I might have to wait another week to be contacted for the heavy lifting test.
I believe God knows every single details in my life, also what’s going on in my body. I can’t believe I walked into Florie while she was having a free 15mins in her clinic. That rarely happened to her, but she decided to give me a scan as I mentioned my stomach wasn’t well every time I ate. It turned out I had been eating too much carbs and my stomach and whole body became very acidic, which is a growing ground for fungus. She gave me some new drops to treat fungus and wanted me to go in to see her asap.
I was on the cancelation list, but to my surprise I got in to see her a week after. Again, if it’s not God’s hand moving me into that direction, I don’t know when I will be able to see Florie. I’m slowing getting better with my stomach. I was very concerned with my heart, as it was pounding heavily. Florie pointed out it was anxiety, more likely related to my emotional stress. I was a bit relief knowing it’s not a heart problem.
God has been faithful, always is and always will. I casually told him that if I ever get the CRA job, I’ll start going back to church. I think he reminded me that I don’t need to bargain with him. Our relationship isn’t like that at all, his love for me doesn’t base on how often I go to church. I have a deeply assurance that my relationship with him has never changed, even when I feel distant to him sometimes. If anything, this relationship will only grow stronger and better. Thank you Lord~