Elly, my instructor, is straight forward and well declares her boundary with students. She repeatedly mentions her mom will be 100 years old today, if she hasn’t passed away. Her mom was a strong woman, very independent and also draws clear boundary with her coworker. Elly says she would like to let her mother’s legacy lives on to all the other women she comes across with.

We are reminded that we are in this class because we wanted business. So here she is, this is her work, and that’s why she is straight to the point. In a business setting, very often employees will be listening in a meeting, and would not interrupt the person who is talking. That’s what she’s training us, no talking when other’s talking. Drawing clear boundary, she says she won’t be offended and would not allow herself to be offended. It is because it’s all about business, and if you want to feel good, you can consider seeing your counsellor instead. Furthermore, she says she doesn’t listen to gossip, sounds to me that she doesn’t involve too much emotions when in working. This is what her mom taught her, independent, no gossip, and straight to business. Her friends love her as who she is, and not what she will do for others.

After today’s class, I came to a realization that I had been allowing myself and others to cross my boundaries in that organization. Mrs.J was all about having independent worker, and not have to worry about workers feeling hurt. As much as she expected workers to work effectively, she also emotionally abuse others. That being said, this working environment is toxic and unhealthy. I must be involved too much emotions in this place as well, because this was my church. I understand why I wasn’t feeling as hurt when Mr. Leung yelled and slandered in front of me, because I didn’t care about him. I was working in Best W for work. At PLK, I didn’t care about all other woman workers, I cared for my kid and I did well not gossiping.

Although, I’m not sure how I’m going to get things done for this class. I don’t even know if I would get placement …. but I learned about myself and how I set boundary for work. I’m glad I came to this realization today. Now, if I can only continue to pray for forgiveness….

It seems life doesn’t always go so smoothly, and definitely not going the way I wanted it. I’ve been wanting to work with Bear in an same organization, at least I can see him more often. I’ve been wanting the house in HK will be sold soon, such as right now, so that we can get a house here in this maple land. I’ve been wanting to step up of this life game, get a job and earn some bling bling.

I sense that I’ve been taking all this too slowly …. yet, my heart is racing for all these come true. Maybe it’s time to really slow down, pause, think, pray, seek, ask, meditate, worship Him, adore Him, talk to Him, listen to Him….

Here is the distance a huge gap between us, God and I. Many times this whispering voice told me to go back to the Words. Open up the Bible and see what He is saying today. I’m so neglect to do so, and I wonder why…. I became that mediocre person, that so called Christian who doesn’t even want to go to church on Sunday. I became that person, dreaming of one thing and sitting there to do nothing.

Stress does built up within me when my brother doesn’t meet my parents’ expectations. These expectation somehow turn to me, if my brother doesn’t become what they want, at least I can turn out to be that person. Why? Why? Why? My heart is screaming this is so unfair. Why do I have to be that person? Ironically, I wanted to be that person. A person who is driven by goals and purposes, who doesn’t afraid of failure, who doesn’t mind those mean coworkers as long as my job sustain my living…. There a person who will contribute to the society, cheerful and mindful of other people.

I must admit I lost my dream…. I’ve been saying that for a long time….. I’m lost of who I am and what I should do. If hubby isn’t here to support me, I don’t even know where I will be today. This is what I’m thankful for, in time of trouble, He gave me such a loving husband to support me no matter what. Such loving person who doesn’t judge me and love me as I am. Thank you! I love you~

What do you do if you have a useless brother? A person who doesn’t care shit of what he doess to his family. A person who always makes shit for family to carry. He is a shitty person! Yes, I said it and he deserves more shit talk for himself.

Shit, what made him think that he can borrow money without paying back? So he can just ignore the person who lend him money, now dad neeeds to carry his load? That’s bull  shit.

This almighty shitty person, who has a son in his parent’s house, doesn’t brother any shit to call . This poor baby is so insecure, he will just cry all the time.  And we wonder why we need to carry this shit load for him and his stupid wife!

早上上網拒絕了參加這婚禮的邀請，中午時電話就來了。言談之間我也察覺自己的冷漠，告訴她我下個星期要回香港。她也知道我家人九月要來，所以我也許無法參加。她的語氣中帶著哭聲，表示很希望我能參加她的婚禮 並說這是人生一次的事。隔了半個小時她又再打來，要約跟我見面。我說我有事在忙，可能無法見面。

我了解她急性子，很想把事情說清楚。我選擇沈默，她知道她沒我辦法也逼不了我。一再確定是不是她做錯什麼，我只說為什麼這樣問。我告訴她不是她的問題，是我自己家裡發生很多事情，我也在處理。她說 應該就是這樣了吧… 我想她應該是很失望，也很受傷。不過，我也一樣覺得很失望。她只是一昧的要知道我為什麼不能參加她的婚禮，聽到我說家裡有事，卻不會問候一句。說我真的需要出去聊聊是一定把時間空出來給我的。

這就是我的黑暗面，我的冷漠。我這個人不相信永遠的友誼，也許也是因為我不信任任何人。一旦讓我失望，我放棄了就不會再要。過去的幾個月，她沒有一通電話，短訊。找我就已經是寄婚帖給我。我對人真的累了，我無法付出，無法像以前無條件地一直關心別人。 我知道這次的拒絕，應該換來永別。我也許心 已經準備好了。