昨晚做了一個夢， 夢見朋友昏迷 躺在醫院裡。夢裏感覺她很想有人為她禱告，好像我們的靈互相可以溝通似的。雖然兩人沒有說話，覺得知道她需要被禱告。夢中看見自己站在她床邊拉著她的手禱告，也知道她感覺到被禱告了。 醒來第一件事，問上帝的意思。我想我明白了，靈裡的昏迷必須透過禱告才能得醫治，甦醒！
這陣子跟叮叮講了很多她的事，以及很多看了不順眼的地方。心深處知道要禱告，卻很懶散。做了這個夢，我知道上帝已經給最後通牒，我跑不了。即使我這個人近年來變得很冷漠，但是我不敢違背上帝的心意。特別是祂已經做得很明顯的時候，我知道我必須要跟從。嗯！
the growing pain
the sufferings
let that be Your cup to bear
i lay it all down to You
oh Lord
restore to me the joy of salvation
cleanse me
restore me
renew my spirit
give me eyes to see
the goodness in You
oh Lord
My enemy told me that I can’t be successful, I’m not able, I’m not capable. The feelings of being a failure is creeping up on me. I feel helpless, hopeless because I don’t feel adequate. I don’t know if I will be able to handle all the stress from school again. I don’t know if I’m able to handle the stress from doing the internship and practicum.
Today at class, we were supposed to get prepare for recorded interview. Which Elly gave us a list of question to get ready before the interview. She picked one of the question and then asked me to answer. Describe a situation that happened in your work place, which you were able to use persuasion to successfully convince someone to see things your way. I basically froze…. I don’t know…. I can’t even think of any situation like that…. I’m speechless….
I hope it is not just a dream, but it is a life goal in pursuing to be a counsellor.
I hope it is not just a dream, but it is a life goal for us to have our own place.
I cherish every moment we created together. When I say “we”, I know that I am not alone anymore. I have “you” in my life, a man who has demonstrated the unconditional love. Your love makes me brave. Your love makes me want to be better. Your love makes me realize our heavenly Father loves us much much deeper.
My dream came true, when I surrender my selfish desire to marry a so-called perfect guy in my imagination. My dream came true, when you listened to that still small voice and realize the possibility of “we” in the future. Thank you my love~ Without you I will still be cripple in my walk on this earth. I love you~ I am happy to be with you!
The hidden giant is gradually catching up on me. It disturbs my thought and my plan for future. I tried to ignore it for a long time, just pretended it was not there. God is bigger, isn’t He? I thought He is the ultimate power of everything, I never doubt it. How do I make sense of my reality with God in this picture? How do I reconcile the dilemma of having this hidden giant and God in my life?
It is everywhere, outside and inside of me, just like God is already outside and inside of me. Fear got the best of me, when I am not focusing on my spirituality. It has me wonder all the unknowns and dangers of my future. I am afraid. I am afraid of losing someone that I love the most. I felt like they are my only anchor on this earth. What if….? What if……..? The hidden giant will always allure me into this scary unknown world.
I think it is time to change the scripts inside my mind. Applying what I have learned from CCLS, it is time to make a change. Change for better, change for good, change because of God the almighty inside of me.
“I will try my best to talk to professor at ACTS, understand the admission requirement, and do everything I can to get the prerequisite courses in order to get into the program.”
“I will be more initiative when I have questions, ask the right question with the right person, never procrastinate when I have uncertainty to pursue my dream in counselling.”
“Instead of feeling incapable of getting into Master program, I will study hard, and use the best of my time in studying and doing house chores.”
“I need to focus on what I really what and what God really want for me. If buying our own place is not happening anytime soon, I will leave it to God and have Him guide our way.”
“Instead of looking here and there for part-time job to earn money, I will focus and find a way to pursue my dream, even when I need to stay unchanged as in working with Chang’s for picking their child.”
“Instead of feeling scared of losing my husband, because of fear of the unknown, I will show him love and affection as much as always as he needs and as I want.”
“Your feelings are your own. No one can offend, or hurt you if you don’t allow them.”
This is an inward attitude toward other’s behaviour. I am not responsible for their behaviour but my own, in the same way they are not responsible for my behaviour. The message of autonomy allows me and frees me from other’s expectation, and power that controls over me. My thinkings and feelings are not the product of what “he/she says or does”. I have the power to distinguish what he/she wants and what I want. I have the power to choose the outcome of what he/she says or does toward me. I am my own government that rules within the domain of my whole being. Therefore, setting boundary to protect myself is important.
Having said that, I deal with the conflict and try not to let my thinkings and feelings ruled by what other people did to me. I still have my right to stand up for myself. See, setting boundary for my own is not contradicting in confronting the issue. I choose not to be hurt by what he/she said, it doesn’t mean that I agree with what he/she did. That is our outward behaviour. If I don’t want to hold grudges toward others, I have two choices: forget what he/she does, or confront the person with the issue in my mind.
Seeing Elly as a very proactive person, I can see that she will always stand her ground and confront when conflict occurs. I can also see that she is a person who draws clear boundaries in every area of her life. At the same time, she gives us permission to confront her if I feel hurt by what she said. I can trust that she is a woman of her words, if she says I can confront I will go talk to her when I’m offended by what she said. I imagine CCLS program is a training ground for all the ladies, I can make mistakes and know that Elly and Mary Ann will not judge me. The bottom line is that I trust their professionalism and I can learn from them.
A compassionate heart looks at other’s brokenness with love and acceptance. There is no judging or criticizing at smaller details, but gaze over to the bigger picture. It is a challenge to dig deeper and ask the right question at the right time.
Seeing Chiang’s family situation, I am urged to listen to their stories. God is stirring up my heart and prepare me for something I have been afraid of doing. Counsellor, I’m afraid to be one because I believe I can’t do it. I somehow believed that I’m not capable to listen, to wrestle with information, and to solve problems.
Now that my heart is stirred, it became restless unless I do something about it….
This is the third week since this program started. I have already learned a lot about myself through doing four personality assessment tests. I never thought that I’m a thinker, a person who analyzes …. such and such….
I’ve found this statement which I wrote in 2006. I remember I took a career planning course in my last year in Trinity, and the statement is this:
“The mission of people helper,
as a follower of Jesus Christ,
comfort the weary,
counsel the broken heart,
touch the poor and needy;
with passion and compassionate heart,
to serve and empower others,
and to witness the power of gospel
through interactions with one another.”
身體攰又唔得，又話態度差，自己心情唔好發洩係我身上， 真X街！
你地搵唔到路 關我X事， 一早就話比你地知點行，又要死認叻，個人已經係 richmond 你驚去唔到？