All posts by Miso

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January 12, 2022UncategorizedMiso

maybe I shouldn’t expect anything from talking out loud my feelings. I don’t feel there’s emotional support anyways. when you’re annoyed i pointed out that you cut me off in the middle, I should have known better. why should I expect what I think would happen, a hug, a word of comfort, showing empathy…. the fact that I was left alone again after Josiah went to sleep, you didn’t bother to check on me. you were typing away in your work laptop, I was left alone in the tv room. I could only guess maybe you have some important due soon, only guessing, because you never tell me anything that stress you out. no communication, no exchange of feelings. what are we doing here… coexist…. I guess

Jan 1st, 2022

January 6, 2022UncategorizedMiso

I have dream I have a walk in a garden, my garden.

It was a sunny day, and some guests came to visit particularly my garden. The first spot we stopped by was the hydrangea plant. One was blooming beautifully with huge flower, beautiful colour, and the other one was cut to the bottom. A guest asked what happened to that plant. I answered that even though it looked ugly and dead now, but it was trimmed so that it will thrive later on.

We then continue to walk deeper in the garden, I was amazed how beautiful the garden is. All the flowers are now full bloom, trees bear lots of fruits. The one big Christmas tree like tree with triangle shape, probably 10-15 or more feet tall bears green apple shape fruits. It doesn’t matter if that’s apple or not, the point is the fruits look big and healthy.

I take some time to look around the garden, and I see a huge arbor with grape vines like plant growing on it. I can see the vine and its fruit. All the fruits are huge like green apple. Yes, green apple again, because that’s the colour and size I see in the dream.

As I finish admiring this garden, I walk toward the back door of my house. I see a display shelf full of candies. Those candies are very colourful, and some I recognize and some I’ve never seen before. I was excited and happy to see all these candies because they belong to this garden, this house, or to me.

I woke up feeling excited knowing that this is a dream from God. I woke up on January 1st with this dream, and I immediately think of the theme of this year is “Fruitful”.

May our lives be fruitful as God designed for us in year 2022, amen.

The scream

June 23, 2021Baby stuffsMiso

Ever since he was born I had a hard time changing his diaper, especially poopy diaper. I can’t stand the smell and definitely can’t stand the sight of it. Once in awhile when I thought I could do it, I would help him to get change. Today, I thought I could do it while hunny was in bathroom.

It was smelly, ok I could still stand it…. I started to wipe it away, he decided it was fun to turn, twist, sit and stand while poo poo still sticking on his butt. I got very frustrated and immediately felt the horror arising from within….. I couldn’t stand the thought of poo poo smearing everywhere….. as he struggled to stay and turned away, I started to scream. I wasn’t screaming at him, I was screaming at the mess…. I’m not sure if he could tell the different. I was already having a melt down right there…. I’m not sure what I would do if hunny didn’t come to rescue us.

I feel horrible about the screaming…. again I wasn’t screaming at him, but I was screaming. I felt helpless, incompetent, losing control, fear of messiness….. I couldn’t speak or do anything after that for awhile, I needed to calm down because of how terrible I felt as a mother, supposingly a caregiver. I felt like a failure, I failed to take care of his basic needs. I felt terrible of the screaming, how I couldn’t care anyone anything anymore to stop myself from having this anxiety.

When I finally calmed down, and met him in the tv room. He gave me this blank stare I have never seen before. I told myself to clam down and approached him. He immediately looked away, as if he was scared to see me. My heart was broken, and I started to tell him that mommy was sorry…. and tear started rolling down my cheek. I think he could tell that I’m different and didn’t know how to act. He continued to look away….I sat down in the couch and sob and sob and sob….because I don’t know what else I could do…. the guilt in me…. I can’t take away the screaming, my own voice, out of my head……

New Job

March 10, 2021Work StuffMiso

After 6 weeks training, I started with taking phone call two weeks ago. I still dislike taking phone call and with this position came with more challenges. I was happy to leave DMCC, but I’m not sure now that I like GE. I lost hope in doing my best for work, and for life. I feel tired all the time and even feeling a little depressed. So far my TL didn’t say anything regarding my leave. And I know I’m at dangerous spot… because I haven’t shown much of my performance yet. I would like to keep my hope up and continue to be here. I would like to overcome fear or my dislike and press on. I would like to hang on to see the next internal job posting up. I would like to hang on to apply for those positions and have a change. I need to keep myself in this loop to give myself a chance for this upcoming opportunity…. God, please help me!

Christmas Gifts 2020

December 24, 2020Work StuffMiso

I guess I got the best Christmas gifts this year, with a new born baby and a new job.

Definitely, I didn’t expect to receive a call today…. Remember I have job interview for SP04 position earlier on Dec 7th, it’s been two weeks.

I have lost hope…. I thought SP04 position doesn’t suit for what I wanted to do, or I would say I don’t think I’m capable to do it. At last, I say God You know me better than I know myself. Whatever comes first, I will take it as a job that you want me to do.

So, here I am today, accepted this job offer and will start on Jan 11th.

Let’s see if the training this time is better … well at least it’ll be a five weeks training!