The little body, that little peanut, touched the deepest part of my heart. It’s not even nearly closed to compare to the Father’s heart. But I’m touched in a way I’ve never imagined before. It’s not because I cried every time I thought of my baby. I found a new love that I’m not familiar, and that I’ve never known I have such compacity to extend to another soul.
Hubby always demonstrates how selfless he is to me and to our family. He has been an anchor to my whole being. He has been strong when I went through this difficult pregnancy. Every time I felt broken, he was there to support me. He carried my every broken pieces, and told me everything will be okay. He mended my brokenness by walking with me and showing me unconditional love.
I don’t want to feel hopeless, but I can’t control my tears. Is that a tear of joy or sadness? Is that just short period of baby blue? I don’t feel depressed, I know I have family and friends to support me. I hope to walk out of this blues, and become a stronger mom to Josiah. Even when I don’t feel the connection with him yet. I miss the bonding time with him when he’s in hospital.
May I say that I feel scared to connect/ bond with him somehow? I don’t know why I feel that way. I love this little peanut! Maybe I’m afraid that one day I’ll lose him…? I’m afraid to imagine the day he comes home now. I can’t get that picture in my mind, because everything is unknown at this moment. I understand he only has feeding issue and is already getting better. However, I’m afraid to think the positive.
Lord, shine your new light in me so I may see. The purpose you have in me, a new role that you have designed for my life. Strength my soul as I walk this walk on earth. Give me eyes to see your heavenly design in our lives, our family, our child, our love for each other. You’ve touched us in a whole new way, with new life that a human being is given right in front of us. Thank you Lord for making us parents to this precious child, Josiah.