Pregnancy is a journey that I’ve never dreamt of. I was afraid of thinking to be a mother, the responsibility of raising up a child was too much for me to start to think.

God must have another thought on that, me being a mother. Back to the Thanksgiving long weekend in 2019, I was staying home alone when Hunny went to work. The prompting of the Holy Spirit urged me to sit down and play the piano once again. As I was playing the piano, I sensed that God was asking if I’m willing to have this child with hubby. I knew I was being selfish not wanting to have a child because of fear and uncertainty. I couldn’t say no any longer, because I knew how he wanted children.

Fast forward the past few months, I’m 28+3 today. Hormone is a little crazy lately, so are my blood pressure and weight. I don’t usually concern with my bp and weight, it is what it is, I just need to watch for it when I was still by myself. It’s different today with another human being inside my body, I couldn’t just eat whatever. I definitely don’t want to bring him any harm because of my lack of self-control with my eating.

I’m scared and worried that I will harm baby in any way with lacking exercise and eating whatever. I worry when I don’t feel him moving or when I feel my bp is rising. I worry that I gain too much weight and that affects baby, and he might be gaining too much weight and got too big to deliver with natural birth. I worry that I won’t love him or giving him attention because I don’t feel healthy, having any energy, or whatever…

I got worrisome when thinking that I’m not goo enough to be a mother. And I project that fear onto hubby, saying that he might not know how to take care of a child because he doesn’t take care of Oki the way I wanted.

I cried every time I thought of what I said to hubby, because I know that I’m wrong. I was being mean and hurtful to say what I said to him. Deep down in my heart, I know he will be an amazing dad, but I don’t believe that I’ll be a good mom at all. I’m tired of myself of feeling tired and doing nothing at home. I’m not productive and I’m not doing any household chores…. I feel useless…. and I’m not motivated to do anything… sometimes I wonder if I’m depressed… but i don’t know…. maybe it’s just a beginning …. or it’s just hormone messing up with me.