身體抵抗力低，讓我覺得好困擾。 尤其今年已經第二次嘴唇疑似長 cold sore 的狀況，這幾天嘴唇也是刺痛。我想從現在開始要好好照顧自己身體了， 也許要乖乖地早點睡覺。
不知道為什麼再次長 cold sore， 這次會影響心情 灰灰的。
Monthly Archives: May 2018
Bunny is here
We’ve noticed a bunny living under our plum tree since the weather is getting warmer. It seems like he make himself home in our back yard.
I have always wanted to get a bunny, but I didn’t want the responsibility to take care one. I know that they have shorter lifespan, and medical expense can get super high.
I love seeing him every morning. Although I asked him to leave once, I guess if our home is safe for him he’s welcome to stay. As long as Oki doesn’t hurt him, I’m good even if he eats all my flowers @_@”
Oki off the street
Postman came and I had to pay for the parcel. Since last time he commented about Oki was well behave, I thought I should let him out to say hi this time. Oki was sniffing and wagging his tail, next thing I know he was running off to the street. Postman casually said that it’s okay, just let him out, but also said go out your leash. I got him at last in front of our driveway.
The frightening feeling didn’t kick in until I check our driveway camera. Oki actually ran all the way to the other side of the street to greet the man who was walking his dog. The clip skipped a bit, I’m not sure anything happened in between. Then he was under the street light pole, where I got him back to the house.
It was scary checking the clip which there was car passing by.
I’m angry at myself not being careful enough to keep him within distance.
I’m angry at myself not training him enough to listen to the command.
There’re lots of “what if….”
my heart is still pounding of this heavy feelings …
because if anything happens
it’s all because of my fault….
Hunny, for you
Hunny, you’ve been wondering what’s going on in my mind whenever we talk about me getting a job. What’s been hindering my first step and why did that organization bring such impact on my every moves.
It’s been a long journey to find my identity, to understand my personality, and to accept who I am. Ever since I was young, I always lacked of self-confidence. I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life, except having much hatred toward my brother and parents.
God brought me back to HK to understand my family background, and under my parent’s constant pressure I had no choice but searched for job. I said that I was under pressure because I wasn’t motivated to look for one. I was so afraid of failure, small talk, and formal interview, I basically wanted to avoid human contacts. Working in PLK for more than year, I found myself having more confident at least interacting with children. Of course, having the affirmation from my supervisor also helped me to know that I am able.
So, what has gone wrong in between the time in PLK and that org. Maybe it’s expectation of Christians being loving and kind, accepting and gracious, discipline but not strict. I can only say that the confidence that I once found was destroyed from that place. It took so long to build up that confidence, yet it took so little time to crumble down.
The constant battle in my mind torturing myself not being the person whom God created me to be, not motivated enough to get up and search for jobs, not having enough energy to get out there to exercise, not having the energy that I want to maintain this house and take care of you, take care of your needs. Knowing that you’ve always sacrificed, and putting me first, I feel even more shameful and not worthy of it all.
The mindful battle between what I think I can do and what I don’t believe I can do. All the lies and judgement, from an evil person I considered a self-centred so called Christian…. May God show me/us the way to mend this brokenness.