Did I wonder if I made the right decision withdrawing the program? Yes, I wondered. However, as I made my decision and talked to Ms.I.J. I felt relief.
She told me that she considered I’m among the top students in the class, with great writing skills, mature, and with life experience. She think I’ll have a bright future in this field if I continue.
Now that I have this affirmation, I’m glad and contented. It just push me more to go for the Master degree.
Yesterday I felt defeated again. I felt that I wasn’t smart enough, good enough, to say what I want to say. I hate, HATE, group project. I dislike meeting in a group because I know I don’t have anything to say. And people either try to help me, or encourage me to talk…. I have nothing to say. HATE! HATE! HATE!!! group work. I felt like I would never prepare enough to say anything meaningful, helpful, resourceful to the group.
I felt defeated, to have this feeling I’ll never good enough for anybody, or anyone.
I felt defeated, to feel I’m not smart or knowledgable.
I felt defeated, when I feel my body continues to fail me, when I wanted to study but I’m too tired to concentrate.
I felt defeated, even when I tried to listen during group meeting, all my mind was thinking I felt sick and get me out of there.
I felt defeated, and I know He is listening but I’m not listening to him.
One of my classmates was away for two days already. She is here alone with her two daughters in Canada, and apparently her daughters aren’t used to being here. My first hunch is that they are home sick and missing their friends. That left my classmate having a hard time with them, because they’re acting out. They aren’t going to bed and aren’t studying. She’s having a hard time with them, and she’s telling me that she’s going to fail this current course.
Though both of us are quiet and didn’t talk much, somehow we are connected. Maybe because she’s in my self-exploration group. Maybe because she’s away from home just arriving here in Canada three months ago. I can relate to her and sense her struggles, be it language barrier or away from home.
I sent her an email last night and greet her with blessings. I asked God in my heart if she’s going to make it through the program, and my heart somehow aches for her. But God told me to not to worry, just pray for her. I continue to pray that God has such a way to comfort her daughters, when God’s willing help her to finish this program until next August.
This morning my instructor spent a good portion of class to talk about spirituality. She started the class with prophetize on one of the classmate. She moved on to the other classmate talking about how she’s very in tune with the spirit and she has sensitivity to the spirit.
Earlier this morning, I was reading the bible and tried to pick up the reading routine since I’ll be in school early these days. So I was trying to be connect with God again….
Then, the class started with talking about spirituality. I had such great resistance to listen to it. I thought I didn’t sign up for a spirituality class, I signed up for a counselling program. I had an urge to drop this program and thought I would just go to ACTS.
I guess… I think… the Holy Spirit reminded me and ask me why I resist to listen to this talk. A talk about God, about his people, about how a Christian gift will be manifested in a counselling session.
I guess it came down to the self-awareness of the deepest desire of my heart to be in tune with the Spirit. However, the past hurts hinder me from going there. It was hurtful to think about that and still… I’m dealing with this hurt? I thought I’m done with it…. I thought I don’t have to think of it anymore.
Yet, the talk in the early classroom makes me realize my heart longs for God and yet I push Him out of the picture because of the hurt I’m still experiencing.
The resistance. The pain.
is still exist
Tonight I felt defeated. I tried to sit down and study, but my mind is foggy and tired. I slept an hour or so to take a nap. It didn’t help. I’m frustrated that my brain doesn’t want to cooperate with me for this final exam study. At this moment, I wonder what I’m doing… why am I doing this?
We were in groups practicing counselling today. I must say that I was intimidated by a guy client. He appeared to be confident and fast thinking. He was my client and I had to counsel him in the group. While I did well with empathy, I just couldn’t get pass to get him making goals and solutions.
As I was the client making up a story to tell, it seemed that the conversation went into circle. I wondered if I made it too difficult for the counsellor, or discouraged her. As she said in the end that she wasn’t good at making empathy statement. Which was after the instructor came over and made a comment on how I was good at making empathy statement. Again, I felt I like I was among the people who are competitive, I hate that feelings. In between the counselling conversation, I commented that this is a difficult story for her to unpack. Due to the nature of the story and people that are involved. I was sharing that was my friend’s real story and how I spent a whole week with her figuring things out…. but…. they both didn’t hear or respond to anything that i said about the story, or i should say why i told that story because it made me wanted to study counselling. Anyways, sometimes i don’t get white people… or maybe they were so focus on getting everything right for being a counsellor, and make a statement right…. so my story was ignored because that doesn’t matter?