I don’t really know what happened this morning. I think I was confused. At one point I asked if hunny wanted coffee and breakie and she said yes. I made breakfast and all of a sudden hunny was unhappy. I found out that her lower back was hurting but somehow the conversation turned into how I go into work late in the morning. Later she explained that she thought I had class so it would be better if I went to work earlier and would get home earlier. I have clarified that I don’t have a class tonight. Then that conversation has remained stuck in taking about me going into work late.
Then I was going to write to Mr. N to let him know I wasn’t coming into work so I could be with hunny and go to see Florie with her. She wouldn’t let me.
I am still confused. I think I have been trying to make an effort to not be a workaholic. Hunny wasn’t happy about me having to lock up once in a while. I know I don’t have to, and I can probably leave at 4:45 everyday to avoid having to lock up, but isn’t that taking it to an extreme? I don’t understand why locking up once in a while is a problem… It’s just a part of being an office staff.
But then again, may be I am upset because I can’t find a balance between the two. I don’t want to be an absent husband, and I don’t want to be a workaholic. I pray that God can help me find the balance.
The issue here is not about making breakfast. It’s simply that you asked if I wanted breakfast and I said yes. Like I said, my need is not having someone makes me breakfast, it’s beyond that.
Yes, I’m complaining, upset, or even angry. Every morning when I saw you take your time to read the news, eat breakfast or do whatever, my question is why are you still at home when it’s already pass 9am. I mentioned many times, you have a choice to go to work early and come home early. You have that choice and that’s what I need, to have you come home early. So when I complaint you have to lock up the school… yes it’s part of my complaint that you’re leaving late because you’re not at work earlier.
I still remember when you were working at CFN. You left early and got to work at 8 and came home early around 4ish. Maybe my mentality still stuck with your schedule with CFN.
Why was I upset when you were about to text Mr.N not going to work? I’m upset because I felt threatened. You, not going to work acts as a threat to me to calm down or not to upset because now you’ve decided to stay home with me. Didn’t I ask you to come with me to Florie last week. Remember what you’re told me? You said you would be busy, you can’t make it to my dr appointment. I understood you’ll be busy so I just leave it. Maybe I’m naive to somehow expect you to go earlier to work today and leave early so that you’ll come to the dr appointment with me. But no…. you won’t think that way, I’m too naive to expect that. That’s why I’m angry this morning.
I don’t have terminal disease, and I’m not dying. I may feel crap in the morning, sometimes I have ache and pain in my body, but I’m not dying. You don’t have to worry about me, or make sure I’m okay in the morning in order to go to work. I’m not a child, I can take care of myself. You bet I’ll call you if I feel like dying or in need to go to ER. But no… most of the time I just feel like crap, and that’s it.
I feel most crappy this morning because of all the aching in my body. I feel like if only I can make it go away. And sorry, you being at home doesn’t make me feel better. Am I happy to see you in the morning? Yes. Does it make me feel better? No.
If you’re so care about me, please remember what I have told you many times before. Things that I need from you…. again, I mentioned it many times before…. I’m too tired to say it again and again…. I can’t help if you still don’t understand why it is important for me that you go to work early.
I don’t know if it is unreasonable and ask too much of you to go to work early. Maybe I’m wrong and asking too much.
Maybe I am worried that I won’t have a chance to see you that often when I change jobs. Maybe I want to treasure the time we can spend. Maybe I feel that I don’t get a good enough sleep anymore so my mind is always foggy in the morning so I have to stay longer at home. I don’t know.
You are not asking too much. Maybe I’m doing too little. Maybe the choices I make hurt you more than help you.
I wanted you to know that I am trying to be the best husband I can be, and I want to help you as best as I could. I am sorry if I have misunderstood you this morning. I am sorry that I have disappointed you.
Why worry about something that hasn’t happened yet? Don’t both of us already know that you’ll be busy with your new job? Seeing Patricia working in the firm in the past, I kinda understand and prepare that I might not able to see you as much. However, it’ll be just for a few months, and it’s not like you’re not coming home at all.
If you’re not sleeping well at night, maybe we need to find a way to help you to get a better sleep. If you need to sleep early, why wait for me? Again, we discussed about this issue before, I don’t want to say more.
I appreciate you’re doing your best as my husband. Don’t you feel that you’re not doing enough. I’m not disappointed at you or for what happened this morning. I’m frustrated at my body condition and I can’t do anything about it.
I love you and I’m proud to have a loving husband! You stood by me through the most difficult time and continue to be my best support. Maybe I didn’t put myself in your shoes and understand what you need. Maybe I’m being selfish at times….