I dreamed of screaming and crying like an infant that only wants acceptance and love. The feeling of relief and freedom of crying out loud in this dream is something that I want for in the reality. If only I am brave enough to allow myself crying without worrying what other think of me. How sad… how oppress… of these feelings trapped inside of me.

Why do I often feel rejected? Why do I often feel like I don’t belong here (anywhere)? The fear of being rejected kept me away from people. I found myself intentionally walking away from friends because I want to see if I’m worthy for anyone to pursue for friendship. Yet, I know that I want to be pursued but I don’t want to commit in a friendship.

Early in my teenage years to my early twenty’s, people came and gone in my life. The heart breaking of people leaving due to various reasons. I once thought I found my group of friend… maybe they never meant to stay….

I can only say that I know this loneliness is not to be filled by human. I recognize the earth is not my home, being with God is home.

I just want to be home again.